There are two kinds of abuse in a marriage.
It could be either physical or psychological abuse.
Trying to fix your abusive partner or trying to understand why they the behave that way in the first place, is like convincing a alcoholic to give up drinking when they had multiple failed attempts at it.
He promises to change but the pleasures of alcohol in the moment far outweighs the pain of giving it up.
An abusive spouse will never confront himself about the truth of the situation. He convinces himself that you have done something to trigger him or that you share in the blame of their pain.
Abuse is not a result of a bad marriage. He is not this way because you both had an argument, disagreement or your said something to make him behave that way.
Trying to change your behavior to stop him from being abusive is not going to work. It’s not you at all.
Abuse is a psychological problem in the hands of the abuser. It comes about as a result of his attitude, experiences and values that they believe that is important to them.
Abused women or men die slowly every die. You lose your self esteem, your passion and happiness for living, and slowly your marriage dies.
It goes on to affect generations to come especially when your kids are exposed to it.
There is no magic formula for abuse.
The first step is to recognize the signs.
Is it physical abuse? If it is then get help immediately. There is no other practical solution for this.
Is it psychological abuse? First try to diagnose the problem. Is it really psychology abuse or differences of opinion.
Psychological abuse is just as bad as physical abuse and the pain and scars can last a lifetime.
Either he gets help or you need a plan B for your relationship.
The flip side of abuse is almost never discussed but can have a devastating impact on a marriage.
When you have suffered abuse in the past and bring this knowledge into your current relationship, you do this to protect yourself. This is natural.
You use that past knowledge and experiences that gave you strength and courage to overcome the abuse and now use those same tools in your current marriage.
But here is a problem.
What helped you overcome abuse in the past may now be show you as being closed off, confrontational and rigid in your own behavior.
It has the opposite affect of what helped you endure and given you strength in the first place.
The way forward here is to recognize this pattern.
Bring in new behaviors and a level of joy and happiness in your marriage knowing that if you ever faced your old situation again you have the tools to overcome them.
Don’t try and use old tools to fix a current marriage problem.