Change is inevitable in a marriage.
- You get a new job
- You may have to move to a new city or country
- You have kids
- Financial pressures causes tension
- Kids leave home and you become empty nesters
- You face a mid life crisis
Most couples when faced with change naturally resist change.
“I wish we saved early enough to send the kids to college. I wish you did not take that promotion since we never see you anymore. You are distant and rather spend time with your computer than with me.”
We try and fix our current problems by thinking about what we did in the past.
We try to fix our partners like we want to be treated. Women wish their husbands would talk more about their emotions like their girlfriends do.
Men don’t want to deal with the problems directly because they think it is no big deal and will eventually take care of itself.
When we cling on to existing roles, habits and feelings when change happens were hold on to being rigid and inflexible.
You believe that your husband or wife must see things your way for the marriage to work and to fix your problems. But conflict and problems occur because they also have beliefs and don’t want to change. They believe you have to change first or that you don’t understand them.
One of my clients said “I’m from a family where we stay in a marriage and would never leave not matter what happens. I thought we would work things out. However, his father left them and he comes from a family where you would just be silent or leave. There was no talking, no fixing, it was just over.”
The key is not to resist change, have your way or believe his way. Secret to dealing with change is have a growth mindset.
Figure out a new way that the both of you would agree is the best way to fix your problems in the moment. You both then agree on it and its a joint idea. You don’t resist the change.
Growth mindset. Thats how you overcome marriage conflict.