Have you ever sat on a park bench and watched people? You’ve seen recently committed couples entwined, glowing, oblivious to the rest of the world, enveloped in a private bubble of infatuation. Contrast these love-birds with the older married couples, silently tolerating the other’s presence, alone together in separate shrouds of physical and emotional isolation. Have you ever wondered what transpires between that goo-goo eye beginning of a relationship, and that sinking state of loneliness in a decades-long marriage?

In my profession, I frequently see couples whose marriages have lost their connection. Affection is lacking, specifically physical touch and emotional intimacy.
The partners have drifted apart, believing that they are giving each other independent space, seeking fulfilling interaction with friends and co-workers, connecting with each other more over logistical concerns like children and household chores, than intimate matters. They don’t bother to share their feelings with each other. They find someone else with whom to confide, putting their relationships at risk.

When one partner talks to a third party about how they feel about their spouse and marriage, they set themselves up to being found out. Should the other partner discover that the couple’s “dirty laundry” has been aired, they feel betrayed. Now the relationship is even more vulnerable.

Introducing Anna and Jason

Jason and Anna’s relationship revolves around giving each other space and keeping to their established routines. They don’t touch each other physically or seem particularly interested in one another. Their nine-year-old daughter is the glue that holds their marriage together. When they talk, it’s usually about their daughter and her needs.

Jason is a fiercely independent person, set in his ways. He arrives home at 6:00 on the dot every night, anticipating the downtime he requires to block out his day. The last thing he wants to do is talk to Anna about what happened at work or how he feels about this or that.

I met Anna and Jason in therapy where their public persona is such that they smile at one another, are respectful, and friendly. One would think that nothing is wrong with their relationship. When asked about their marriage, they say that they are happy together but would prefer to be a little closer.

Anna shares that to fill the gap left by not being as close as she would like to be to Jason, she has built a supportive network of friends. Monday nights she talks on the phone with her best friends and Thursday evenings she gets together with her college roommates. Jason is all for this. He has no interest in making friends or doing things socially with anyone.

When Jason feels down or stressed, he reports that he gets support from two co-workers, women, whom he considers to be great friends. They are relaxed around each other and can talk about anything. News to Anna. She’s shocked that Jason is more comfortable confiding in co-workers than in her.

How’s this independence thing working?

Jason values his freedom and believes it to be the foundation of their relationship. He loves to spend time on his own; running errands, shopping, even being with his daughter, he’s happiest when there are no other people involved.

Jason’s version of independence has denied Anna access to him. He does not think that touching Anna or talking to her is all that important. Adults shouldn’t have these needs. Anna inadvertently has agreed to this behavior. She has given him space because she loves him. Anna is starved for a connection but copes by relying on her circle of close girlfriends.

So what’s the big deal with intimacy?

If being happy means that a couple has learned how to tolerate one another and work around what isn’t working well, Anna and Jason are doing that. But, even if they are content enough, they have allowed the physical and emotional intimacy, the kind you can only get from a committed partner, to slip away. They are so rigid with one another they are afraid to look into intimacy of this degree; afraid the relationship would end.

In any marriage, it is normal and even healthy to have independent interests and time apart from each other. However, if there is an imbalance between fulfilling your individual pursuits and the physical and emotional needs of your partner, the relationship is vulnerable to someone entering who fills the void for one spouse, leaving the abandoned partner emotionally deserted.

We marry to be happy and to make our spouse happy. We marry to touch and be touched, to be supportive and supported, to grow together, to share, to talk, to play, to love and experience love in return. We marry for that deep level of intimacy. No marriage can survive physical and emotional isolation for long.

Time for reflection

Think about your current relationship. How often do you caress each other, laugh together, and share personal stuff with each other? Do you think it’s childish or silly to do this; that adults don’t need this kind of interaction? If so, please reconsider. Seek to hold onto the physical and emotional intimacy for which you married in the first place. Stay connected. Allow your relationship to thrive.

Sometimes people write for advice when what they are looking for is for me to tell them what they, deep down inside, already know. Take a look at this email from a woman at her whit’s end with her marriage. She seems to be asking for my permission to move on with her life.

Hi Neil,

I am a 33-year-old woman, married for seven years, with two children. My husband, Pierre, provides absolutely no emotional support for our kids or me. I’m not sure he is capable of doing so.

Pierre works dinner shifts in a restaurant, six days a week. When he’s home, he sleeps until noon, then gets ready for work and off he goes. The kids are usually asleep when he comes home, and I’m not far behind. Sundays it’s up early and out the door to play soccer with his friends for most of the day. When I complain about the lack of family time, he shrugs and says he’ll look for a job with a better schedule, but he never does anything about it.

I doubt it’s possible for him to change jobs. Pierre has pretty severe ADHD. He’s been promising to finish high school since we married. Without a high school diploma his opportunities are limited. He makes decent money in the restaurant position. Jobs with schedules that are more conducive to family life either don’t pay as well or are out of his league.

We tried therapy. We were told to make sure we spend time together, talk and schedule a date night. None of that happened, and I don’t think anything ever will. Pierre is just not into it.

Being married to someone so unavailable and insensitive has drained me. I’m lonely. I think I deserve something better. What should I do?

Thanks,
Sonia

Dear Sonia,

Your frustration is understandable. You are trying to enlist the participation of an unwilling partner who rejects your efforts.

How is Pierre managing his ADHD? Is he taking medication or using other tools or forms of treatment? If he is and he’s unable to deal with this issue, then there is little chance of you getting through to him.

I am assuming that therapy was your idea and your husband was not interested in trying out the therapist’s recommendations. Is there any chance he would agree to give therapy another try?

I see three options for you to consider

Continue to manage your feelings and compromise your emotional needs to accommodate his behavior and limitations.
You may stay married in the short term, but eventually, you will end up resenting him, and your marriage will deteriorate further.

Find a therapist with whom you can both agree to work.
Sometimes the first therapist you see may not be a good fit. Maybe he/she doesn’t specialize in the kinds of issues you are trying to resolve. If that is the case, and he will go along with it, interview several therapists, select one, and give therapy another shot.

Reality check: Do some soul searching.
Consider that your partner may be deliberately avoiding you and blocking any attempts to fix your relationship. I strongly recommend that you have a discussion with him about his commitment to the marriage.

If he is both capable of being committed to the relationship and committed to it, you have a shot. He will need to be open to the two of you seeking help to fix the relationship, willing to accept feedback, and engaged in trying new ideas for building an adult relationship.

My advice/ your call to action

You need a willing partner who wants to work together to overcome your marriage challenges. If your spouse is unwilling and ignores your repeated attempts to seek help, you either accept the relationship the way it is or choose to divorce and move on.

I suspect that deep down inside you already know what you need to do. Perhaps you asked because you want my permission to make that decision. You don’t need my permission. Go with your gut instinct.

Marriage does not need to last a lifetime. A great part of being in a relationship is having someone to share your life with, celebrate special moments, and bring you up when you are feeling down. You aren’t getting that all alone, married to Mr. Unavailable. You deserve an equal partner in life.

I sincerely hope this helps.

Regards,
Neil

Quarrelsome couples have clues about what needs working on in their marriages.
Their arguments suggest what’s off in the relationship. It’s the less feisty couples that are harder to figure out. When partners settle into quiet complacency, accepting a passionless coexistence as roommates, acquiescing to this is what happiness looks like after many years of marriage, that I as their therapist am challenged.

Kathleen is 53 years old and married with two young adult children who have left the nest. Her husband, Simon, owns a small pizza restaurant. The business is their only source of income. They do just well enough to pay the bills and take occasional modest vacations.

Simon employs a manager he trusts and has a loyal team of people capable of running the pizza shop, yet he feels compelled to go in every day, seven days a week. Simon is overweight and doesn’t take care of himself. He’s got high blood pressure. Many nights he works late and when he gets home with a belly full of pizza, drinks two beers and goes straight to bed. He snores heavily, so he opts to sleep in his daughter’s vacated bedroom; he doesn’t want to disturb his wife.

Kathleen is worried about his health. With the children out of the house, her focus on Simon, his weight, and his unhealthy habits, has intensified. He feels harangued as well as embarrassed. His medical challenges include an inability to maintain an erection. They have not had sex in over two years. Kathleen works out regularly and eats well. She is healthy and physically fit.

Simon’s low self-esteem is further exacerbated by shame and guilt built up over the years as a result of the failure of his business to thrive. His dream was that the pizza shop would prosper and grow; providing them with a nice nest egg. That didn’t happen. Fluctuations in monthly sales due to market conditions, the weather, and the whims of a fickle public have eroded his sense of security. He walks around with a cloud hanging over his head.

Simon would love for Kathleen to work and contribute toward the household income. After having been out of the workforce taking care of the children for decades, Kathleen lacks both job skills and confidence. Working together in the restaurant is not an option. They tried that, and it didn’t go well.

Relationships like Simon and Kathleen’s are common. Usually, the couples refer to it as liking one another and being happy but not passionate. Couples come to therapy to mourn the fading of the spark that triggered marriage in the first place.

It is ultimately up to the couple to decide how they want to live. However, if a couple has gotten to the point of sitting in my therapy office, there is no chance I’m going to accept their choosing to wallow away in a relationship where there is no love. We’re going to work on getting to the bottom of the issue and turning it around.

We start at the beginning. Why did you get married in the first place? What promises did you make to one another? What were your hopes, dreams, and expectations?

Not all dreams come true. Not all expectations are met, and not all goals come to fruition. However, because we are human, we have the ability to establish new goals for our relationships and ourselves. No matter how small or insignificant they may seem, you can set new ones and experience incremental successes toward achieving those goals. Acknowledging the small steps you are making initiates the rebuilding of passion and real happiness in the marriage.

Kathleen and Simon are doing just that. Kathleen has taken the plunge to become financially stable. She’s enrolled in a computer administration program and loves interacting with other people, being a student, and the learning environment. She plans to apply for a job soon. Simon seems happier. He knows that the financial burden will not entirely rest on him. Now it’s his turn to start making some changes to turn their marriage around.

We get just one life to live. Why spend it mourning the loss of your unrealized dreams and goals? It’s in your power to invent the life that lights you up. You and your partner have the ability to refocus and create a happy life together.