Without a doubt, an affair is a devastating event in any relationship. It can take a very long time for one or both partners to heal, and it requires work on both sides to make it happen. Many relationships don’t survive this particular trauma, but for purposes of our discussion today, we are going to assume that you have made the decision to remain in the relationship and work toward repairing your marriage.

So how do you move forward in a relationship where the trust has been breached?

As a therapist, I see specific actions time and again with couples in this situation. The biggest source of friction, and the thing that prevents partners from helping one another heal, is INFORMATION. The person who has been cheated on frequently craves information about the specifics of the affair, while the cheater typically feels shame and guilt, and may not want to hurt their spouse further by revealing the details.

The How and the Why

It’s certainly true that some spouses may not care to know the intimate details of their partner’s affair, and they just want to move forward in some fashion. However, the majority of spouses feel a strong desire to know the how and the why of the situation.

Why did this happen to us?
How did we get in this situation?
Where do we go from here?

Most of all, they usually want to know if it was an emotional affair, or a purely physical attraction. It doesn’t make much sense, but if it was simply physical, the healing process is often swifter. Perhaps it is easier to believe that the flesh is weak, and that the affair was a momentary lapse in judgment.

For the other partner, the real pain of cheating seems to reside within the emotional connection formed between the cheater and their cohort. It is often difficult for the other spouse to accept that their beloved could have a romantic relationship with anyone other than them. Vows have been broken, trust is no longer authentic. For most people, this leads to questioning their own actions (How did I let my spouse down? What could I have done differently?) It may also lead to assumptions about the other person’s motivations (He/she didn’t even care how this would affect me; they’re so selfish!) Oftentimes, knowing some of the details of the illicit relationship helps the other spouse arrive at a new level of understanding. It provides an opportunity for them to reconsider the relationship, perhaps taking seriously complaints they’ve heard from their partner for years. At the very least, it opens the door for new dialogue about the primary relationship.

The Cheater’s Feelings

But what about the cheating spouse? Oftentimes they don’t cheat to hurt their partner – they simply aren’t being fulfilled in the marital relationship, so they seek validation elsewhere. Those actions can be accompanied by intense feelings of guilt and shame. This can lead to “blocking”, meaning that they are unwilling or unable to talk about the incident. They may become irritable or defensive because they don’t want to relive their actions, making it difficult for the other spouse to get the information that will help them jump-start the healing process.

Information Sharing

It is critical at this stage that information be shared, and it is very difficult for a couple to do it by themselves. This is a good time to seek a competent therapist. As a neutral third party, therapists are trained to help couples decipher their emotions and unravel the events that led to the affair. A good therapist will guide the discussion, asking questions that help each spouse understand their part in the relationship. The therapist does not assume the role of judge, but rather more of a facilitator, encouraging each side to acknowledge their actions and understand their partner’s actions as well.

The next step is to begin openly sharing information. Each partner has a specific job to do during this process. The other spouse is responsible for asking questions that will help them understand the reasons for the affair, and they must gather all the information they need in order to mentally process what happened. It is the obligation of the cheater to address the questions as honestly as possible, regardless of the embarrassment or shame caused by the answers. This can be very painful, but it is necessary in order to begin rebuilding trust. Often, when we don’t want to relive a situation, we block the memory, making it harder to recall the information. So this process can sometimes proceed slowly, but if the commitment to the marriage is strong, eventually the desired information will be revealed, and healing can begin.

Frequently the revelation process is also frustrating, because the partner may ask the same question many times, as they struggle to deal with the emotions surrounding the answer. Realize that this is a sincere attempt to come to terms with a devastating breach of trust, and not a personal attack. It is an attempt to heal. Instead of becoming impatient and refusing to answer the question again, the cheater needs to just repeat the information as many times as necessary. Not only will that help the cheating spouse move away from shame and guilt, but it also demonstrates their willingness to be open, and their intention to change the relationship for the better.

Sometimes a couple will attend therapy because one partner has broken the marital trust. The person who has caused the challenge usually wants their partner to “get over” the specific problem. In their mind, getting over the problem equals being forgiven and returning to life as usual. This makes sense, since the trust-breaker usually bears an uncomfortable sense of shame or guilt and they do not want to feel that way. 
 
However, what happens to the person who is hurt? How do they overcome this betrayal?
 

Sarah was watching a movie on a regular Wednesday night. Her husband was away on a business trip, and the kids were already asleep. Luxuriating in these rare moments of down time, she stretched out on the couch until her foot contacted something hard. Curious, she extracted her husband’s iPad from between the seat cushions. That was strange, as James never left the iPad out where the kids could damage it.
 

Before she could even set it on the coffee table, it began pinging with notifications. And there, right before her eyes, her world began to unravel. She was watching a conversation unfold between her husband and another woman. Sarah knew the woman – she was one of his co-workers. But this conversation had nothing to do with business. The two were flirting and exchanging pictures. Neither was showing any skin – this wasn’t a “sexting” situation – but nevertheless, the tone of the exchange was completely inappropriate.
 
 
In our next session together, James confessed to the flirtation. He promised that nothing like that ever happened before and that it would not happen again. He apologized, and thought Sarah would drop it. But Sarah was not ready to let go of the incident quite that fast. Although he could see that his actions had hurt his wife, James felt that his apology was sufficient, and couldn’t understand why Sarah was not able to “get over” the incident.  
 
This event was not the reason the couple was in therapy, but it became the focus for quite a number of sessions until James could understand and work through his emotions. He wanted their life to go back to “normal”. He expected Sarah to understand that he’d made a mistake and he was sorry, and to trust that he would never do it again. He didn’t understand Sarah’s continued hurt and anger, and felt as though she was punishing him because she wanted to talk about it. James believed that if he just gave her some space, she would forgive him and move on, and they would never need to talk about it again. That was his way of healing. That made sense to James.

What James was missing, however, was that he was asking Sarah to ignore her feelings. Since he had never engaged in a flirtation like this before, he expected that she would unconditionally trust his word. At the same time, he expected her to have faith and courage that he would never cheat on her again. In his mind, Sarah is not allowed to have these feelings if their relationship is to work. 
  
This type of problem can be compared to an iceberg. If the surface area of ice above the water line is small, it would be easy to assume that the berg is insignificant. Any ship plying these waters would be able to bump it out of the way or run over it without harm.
 
The problem with most icebergs, however, is what lies beneath the surface. If the iceberg is deep, the ship will have to go full speed ahead and hope that the hull can split the berg so it can continue forward. Most times the ship will sink. 
 
Expecting a partner to just “get over” the pain may work in the short term to keep the marriage together. But the problem most coupes don’t understand is what lies below the surface, and how deep it goes. 
 
 
James gave Sarah an ultimatum: either she moves past her feelings or he moves out. 
 
When this happens in a session, as a therapist it makes me wonder two things: 

Why is James so adamant that Sarah needs to change? He needs to examine his own actions, and question why his shame or guilt is so deep that he cannot bear to talk about it or have her bring it up. After he has acknowledged his feelings, he must sit with her and hear how she feels, then supply the answers she needs to heal from this event.

Why is Sarah allowing herself to be forced into concealing the disappointment and sadness she feels? Her concession is stopping her from working through the problem. Without information from James, it is nearly impossible to rebuild trust and set new goals for their marriage.  

Forgiveness and healing generally occur when both partners are engaged in working on their relationship.  

Only when Sarah is allowed to put aside her fears and frustrations, and together they take a really good look at what is lurking beneath the surface, can healing happen. Once the emotions and feelings are named and given the right roles, this couple can move forward.  
 
If not, their ship will continue to sail in uncomfortable waters for a while, but if they don’t resolve this issue and make the repairs to their relationship, at some point in the future they are going to hit another iceberg, and may never recover. 

It is common that a person who has cheated on their spouse may not be connected with their partner, and may feel that they want out of the relationship.

Frequently they feel guilty for the pain their partner has experienced, and don’t want their partner to suffer any more. They believe they will not be forgiven, and conclude that it’s best to remove themselves from the relationship. Sometimes there is a moment of clarity in which the person realizes that something was missing from the marriage, and that cheating, although it is wrong, makes them feel as though they are destined to be with someone else.

The situation becomes far more complex when the partner wants to make the marriage work, but the cheater is ambivalent and wants to leave.

The Situation

Nick is a mechanical engineer. He has been married to Nicole for three years, and they have a two-year-old child. While he was away on business, Nick cheated on his wife with a sales rep that he has known for some time. Feeling terrible, Nick confessed the affair to Nicole, who was devastated.

This couple is in a very difficult situation. Nick feels that what he’s done is unforgivable, and wishes the affair had never happened. His guilt and shame cause him to accept the full weight of Nicole’s grief as his responsibility. Nicole feels betrayed, and believes that Nick must make up for his indiscretion. She punishes him by reminding him several times a week about the damage he has done to their family.

Despite her anger, Nicole wants to work on rebuilding trust with her husband, so she tries to initiate intimacy. Nick does not feel emotionally connected, so he refuses her advances. Rejected again, Nicole imagines that she doesn’t measure up to the other woman.

What’s Really Going On?

In reality, Nick is desperate to reestablish intimacy with his wife, but he is not happy. He hasn’t been happy for a long time. From his point of view, it is his responsibility to please Nicole, but she doesn’t bear the same obligation toward him. He resists having sex with her, because he believes that would indicate his commitment to remain in the marriage, and he’s not sure that’s the right decision. Nick is torn; should he do everything he can to repair their relationship, or should he just release Nicole to find a different life partner? He knows he doesn’t want their marriage to continue on the same track. Nick wants them both to be happy; he refuses to continue pleasing her out of his own guilt and to continue being punished for his mistake.

Nick is willing to take the following actions:

1. Get Buy-in. It has been more than eight months since his indiscretion. Nick needs his wife to forgive him so he can make a decision about the marriage without feeling guilty and without being pressured to please her. She only has to commit to this for a short period of time.
2. No Options. Nick must choose a timeframe – 3-6 months – and be fully committed to working with Nicole to rebuild trust and intimacy. He has to stop thinking of leaving as a viable option.
3. Real Life Experience. Instead of endlessly talking, Nick and Nicole must begin creating real experiences together. They must demonstrate love and caring for one another so they can reestablish the emotional connection. Only when they have done this can they rebuild intimacy.
4. Decision. After creating an emotional bond and reestablishing intimacy, Nick can make an informed decision about whether or not he wants to remain married to Nicole.

All of this is a huge risk for Nicole. Not only does she have to accept and forgive the betrayal, but she has to move forward on the assumption that at the end of the trial period, Nick will be committed to the marriage for the long haul. She also has to change her behavior, and cease punishing Nick. It will be difficult, but they both realize that this is the course of action that needs to be taken in order for their marriage to have a chance of survival.

Talking about infidelity is difficult. The guilty partner often has a hard time telling the whole story for fear of ruining the marriage. He or she wants to get past what happened and spare their spouse any more pain. However, if their partner wants to salvage the relationship, it’s necessary to air out the dirty laundry.

 

Physical only, unfaithfulness, is easier to process and forgive; than when the affair involves an emotional connection.  Both are painful and have the potential to destroy a marriage, but when it’s more than just sex, the hurt takes longer to heal. In these instances, the cheated-on partner is likely to insist on knowing everything.

 

Jim and Annette are working on rebuilding the fragile foundation of their marriage, shattered by Jim’s unfaithful behavior. Annette sensed something was wrong. Jim’s late night phone calls, text messages, and staying longer at a recent business conference were red flags. Jim was having another affair. Confronted, he confessed, softening the blow with, “But we never actually had sex;” like that was supposed to make her feel better. He had had three affairs, and this one was, or would have been the fourth, had it been consummated.  Furious, devastated, but for the sake of their young child, Annette agreed to try to work through it.

 

The recent soirée was the least forgivable for her. The first three were physical only sexual encounters that ran their course. The fourth was with Jim’s college girlfriend, Jane, the perky, theater arts major, who broke his heart when she left him to chase her dream and move to Los Angeles.  Years later they reconnected on Facebook.  At first, it seemed benign enough. Everyone had grown up and moved on. Or had they?  For Annette, Jim’s extended business trip to be with his old flame was an unfathomable betrayal. She can’t forgive him until she knows everything about their bond.

 

Jim insists he didn’t have sex with Jane. “We were going to, but she had second thoughts and chickened out, so I flew home early.”  Annette thinks he’s lying.  Regardless, physical or not, there’s emotional intimacy. That part hurts the most. She wants to know: “Who started it?” “When did your feelings for her start up again?” “How serious is this?” “Did you ever stop wanting her?” “Where do I fit in?”

 

Annette no longer feels secure in their marriage.  Despite Jim’s insistence that he loves her, she doesn’t trust him. She feels like he has one foot out the door, ready to bolt. Until she has all the information she needs, they are in a stalemate.

 

At a therapy session, I asked Jim what steps he has taken to break off contact with Jane.  Without hesitation he replied, “I stopped calling and texting her. I sent an email apologizing for the flirtation and telling her that I love my wife and kid. They’re all that matter to me, so I told her no more contact.”

 

For Annette, that wasn’t enough. “What’s to stop you from firing off a little how-you-doing message and then get pulled back into your infatuation?  You’ve got to delete her phone number, unfriend her on Facebook, and lose her email address. You have to get over this emotional connection.  No more looking for love in all the wrong places.”  Annette needs assurance that Jim sincerely wants to be in the marriage.

 

Jim deleted all of Jane’s contact information. He knows that it’s up to him to restore the trust in their relationship. As the hurt partner, Annette has the right to all the information she needs to heal.

 

She needs answers to the seemingly endless list of questions that are eating away at her. “Did you look for her on Facebook or did she find you? How long have you been emailing and texting? Did you talk about me? Is she skinnier than me? Did you kiss her? What about phone sex? What about the other women? Where do you find these women? How can you be emotionally involved with Jane and not sleep with her, if it was so easy to have sex with women you say you didn’t care about? How do I know you aren’t going to go prowling around again?  Can you be satisfied with just me?

 

Sugar coating the truth will not soften her pain.  If Jim fails to disclose the details of the affair and Annette learns of them later on, they’ll lose any trust they managed to restore. Healing cannot start in a never-ending cycle of withholding information, in efforts of trying to protect the other. The only way is to come clean. Then, is when the mending begins.