There are common themes among couples whose close connection has fizzled. They include constant bickering, living more like roommates than lovers, lack of time, replacing time spent together with energy focused on children, breakdowns in communication, or simply no longer knowing what to say to one another. These issues lead to feelings of anger and resentment; and that’s what’s going on with a client, Maxwell, and his wife, Sarah.
Anger and Resentment
Max has been struggling to find ways to reignite the connection with his wife. He’s more of a doer than a talker, so he decides one Saturday several weeks ago to pitch in with cleaning up the lunch dishes.
He thinks to himself: “I haven’t got anything special to do, might as well help Sarah clean up. She’ll appreciate it. Maybe that will soften things up with us a bit.”
He says to Sarah, “I’ll load the dishwasher. You sit and finish your tea.”
Sarah is thinking to herself, “Oh great, here we go, cups on the bottom shelf, plates in without scraping, I’m just going to have to rearrange it all. He thinks he’s doing me a favor. He’s just making more work for me. Why is this all my responsibility anyway?”
She says to Max, ” Right, I’ll put away the food while I finish the tea, but I don’t have time just to sit. Remember to scrape the plates before you put them in the dishwasher. There isn’t a garbage disposal in there.”
Meanwhile, Logan, their toddler, waddles across the room, sippy-cup turned upside down, dripping milk on the kitchen floor. Max, clearing the table, slips in the spill and drops the soup bowls, breaking one and chipping the other. They were pretty new ones Sarah just bought on sale at Anthropology.
She gave him one of those if-looks-could-kill glares and snaps at him: “What is wrong with you, can’t you do just one simple task?”
Max takes a deep breath and says nothing, thinking to himself: “Don’t react. Don’t get angry. Don’t fight back. Let it go. Just clean it up, move forward.”
Sarah, noticing that he has shut down and wasn’t going to fight back, retreats into her private thoughts: “Will we ever have a real conversation again? I wish he appreciated all that I do with working, cooking and cleaning and taking care of Logan. He’s never acknowledged me for all that.”
The anger defused, the feeling of resentment lasted for the remainder of the weekend and on Monday, the couple returned to their weekday routine of get-the-kid-to-childcare, go to work, come home, eat dinner, do some chores, and go to sleep.
Sadness
A few days later, a colleague told Max he looked sad. He was. We talked about it in therapy, and he distinguished that the sadness came from his wife’s reaction to his slipping in the kitchen. “She didn’t ask if I was okay. She wasn’t concerned about whether or not I was hurt. It’s like she doesn’t care about me anymore.”
So, their relationship moved from anger and persistent bickering to resentment, then into a sense of deep sadness due to a lack of caring, and no clear way for either of them to access what is really going on the with other. They are stuck in being concerned about getting things handled, like chores and kid stuff, the result of the task at hand, and who has or hasn’t done whatever. They’ve neglected each other’s feelings. They no longer connect in an empathetic way.
Hopelessness
Max sinks deeper, into a state of hopelessness. He worries that the relationship is doomed. He sobs: “I want more than anything to turn this relationship around, but I just don’t have the communication skills to express that to Sarah in a way that she won’t become defensive. I want us to stop this downward spiral thing and move the relationship forward. How can I do that if I can’t talk to her and I can’t find the right moment to approach her? I’m such a loser.”
Working it out
“Wait a minute Max; that’s why you’re in therapy.” I give him an assignment. “Write a letter explaining what you are feeling, the profound sadness inside and how you picture your relationship transforming. Tell her what you think you could do to rebuild it.”
Max’s reached for his phone and said “I’ll send her a text, no, maybe an email. You can say more in an email.”
I stopped him: “No, not a text, not an email, a letter, an old-fashion personal letter, written by you to your wife.”

Think about it. It’s not an easy task, and it takes time. I asked Max to reflect about what he would say to her and what he, not some TV show or movie version of happy-ever-after, but his version of what the relationship could be. The point of the letter is to start the conversation that breaks the cycle of hopelessness. To dispel the feeling that he can’t make any changes and to practice expressing one’s self. It’s an invitation to Sarah to be back in real communication. It’s the first step towards healing and making the relationship healthy again.

I wonder how many readers of this blog have written a letter like this. What did you say to your spouse? After reading about Maxwell’s situation, do you plan on writing one? If so, what will you say? I invite you to run your ideas past me, or share your experience. Please leave a comment below. I will get back to you.

Maintaining intimacy in your marriage can prove difficult when life gets busy. I see a lot of couples in therapy who are overwhelmed by the sheer number of tasks they must deal with every day. Overwhelm can be the result of major life events, such as a new baby, or it can be caused by on-going tasks, such as running a business or caring for aging parents. Whatever provokes this state of exhaustion, the results are generally the same: energy that was previously focused on the primary relationship now turns outward, becoming more depleted as the number of activities and demands for time increase. The previously strong, intimate, connections begin to weaken.

When a couple comes to me with this problem, we typically concentrate on rebuilding intimacy. Recently I worked with a couple who had a six month old baby. Their biggest obstacle was time. They employed a full-time babysitter, but between their careers, evenings spent caring for the child, and prepping for the following day, they had absolutely no energy left for each other. By the time the weekends rolled around, they were exhausted. Caring for a newborn is a 24/7 job, and neither were prepared to cope with those demands.

Prioritizing Intimacy

It might seem absurd, but intentionally carving out time to be together is the first step toward regaining intimacy. For the new parents, I instructed them to calendar a date night. Their assignment was to go out for dinner or coffee, and just sit, talk, and reconnect. They were willing, but it never happened. By the time they got through the day they were mentally rundown, and there was simply no enthusiasm for adding one more task to their daily list. For this couple, I had to create a lifestyle shift.

Does not Compute

Consider this analogy: You are like a computer. Your brain is the hardware, and your mind contains all the different applications you use during the course of the day. What happens to a computer when you try to load several applications simultaneously? That’s right – the operating system can’t handle the onslaught of commands, and it either stalls or completely shuts down. The human brain acts in a similar way. If you wake up in the morning and begin thinking about all your responsibilities, chances are good that your mind shuts down to the possibility of adding a new task. Your operating system is already full, and no matter how important the task, there simply isn’t room.

But what happens if you only load a specific number of programs instead of opening everything at once? What if there is more space available in your brain? You can begin to focus and execute on the most important tasks, manage the overwhelm, and introduce new activities.

Divide and Conquer

For the new parents, we needed to create more space in their days for them to connect. So we made a list of everything that needed to be accomplished, and we looked at each partner’s skills and interests. From there, we assigned a leader for each task or group of tasks. For example, the wife chose to take the lead on child care, because she is very nurturing and good at organization. Her husband chose to be in charge of household activities, such as paying bills and buying groceries. If either needs help, they can reach out to their spouse for assistance. But with each taking on specific areas of responsibility, it frees the other from having to think about it, and there is no duplication of effort. She doesn’t wake up worrying about how to get the baby to the pediatrician and stop by the store for broccoli, because she knows he’s got the groceries handled. She can close down that application and make time for her husband instead.

Get Quiet

A second technique I introduced for them is mindfulness practices. Mindfulness is the human equivalent of a computer reboot. It is most effective first thing in the morning, but it can also be helpful when you get home from work, before you get involved in household activities. The intention of mindfulness is to be fully present in the moment – you shut out everything you’ve already done or everything you need to do, and you concentrate on your breathing and your body. You become still and allow your body and mind to recharge. There are thousands of guided meditation programs, as short as five minutes and as long as an hour. Guided meditations provide relaxing, empowering, and uplifting instruction, and some include a mantra that you repeat silently to yourself to help maintain focus. Some people find their mindfulness practice easier if they are moving, and yoga can be an effective reboot for them.

Maintaining intimate connections is a very important part of your relationship. If you are beginning to see them slip, try implementing one or more of the techniques outlined above. Make time for one another by calendaring time together, whether you go out for dinner, coffee, or even a walk around the neighborhood. Make sure the majority of that time includes talking about things that are important to you, and not silently staring at a movie screen. Certainly that can be part of it, because it’s important to have fun together, but make sure the focus is on the two of you and your relationship. Outline the major areas of responsibility in your household, and divide the leadership between you. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it, but commit to upholding your obligations so your spouse can let go of those tasks. Finally, take a few minutes each day to reboot your mental computer. Practicing very simple mindfulness exercises will help you reduce overwhelm, and make it possible to connect on a more intimate level with your spouse.

You may not realize this, but leadership is inherent in every good marriage. Leadership is not a quality that comes immediately to mind when people consider key qualities for an intimate relationship; instead, they think of a partnership, where each party is equal. But good partners don’t have equal skills in every situation, so in this chapter, we’re going to examine what leadership looks like in a marriage, what behavior is not leadership, and how you can bring your relationship back into balance by employing specific leadership strategies.

Let’s take a look at three different situations:

Couple A was dining in a restaurant with their one year old child. The child was becoming fussy and beginning to make a mess. Mom was doing her best to soothe the child, to help him settle down and eat his meal. Losing patience with her technique, Dad says to Mom, “Don’t feed him that way! Do this instead!” His words immediately put her on the defensive, she became angry, and the conversation escalated into a heated argument. This type of behavior – Dad becoming impatient and giving Mom unsolicited parenting advice – has been a reoccurring theme in their relationship.

Couple B has difficulties communicating about money. He is a saver – he likes to budget, to be prepared, and to know that there is plenty of cash in the bank. He becomes stressed when finances are running low. His wife, on the other hand, is a spender. She feels a sense of deprivation when she is forced to follow a budget, and she doesn’t want to be involved in managing the family finances. He pleads with her to reign in the spending so they can build a nest egg for the future, but she continually ignores his requests.

Couple C has issues with control. The husband suffers with Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder (OCD). He has a successful career, and earns a good income. But when he comes home, his OCD takes over, and he handles everything from cleaning the house to directing every aspect of the relationship. As a result, his wife doesn’t do anything. The relationship is lopsided, and when conflict arises he accuses her of not actively participating in the relationship and not doing anything for him.

In these three scenarios, the common thread is lack of leadership.

Each parent in Couple A is trying to demonstrate that they know the best way to parent their child. This leads to constant friction and on-going conflicts. They both want to be the leader.

With Couple B, the husband wants to be the leader, but wants participation and validation from his wife. She wants nothing to do with handling the finances, and avoids becoming involved. In this case, there is no clear leadership.

In the third situation, Couple C, the husband dominates the relationship, but becomes upset when he perceives that all the responsibility falls on him. He blames his wife for not helping, but he doesn’t give her the opportunity to do so.

As a result of lack of leadership or a lack of direct leadership (where both partners are in agreement about who will lead), conflict automatically emerges. Even the most compatible partners feel uneasy when clear leadership isn’t defined, because when a crisis situation arises, there is no responsible person, no apparent boundaries. Sometimes the partners will work together to achieve a solution, but frequently they will begin fighting with one another since no one has been designated to lead. Best practices show that in a given situation, the person with the greatest level of expertise usually takes the leadership role in that particular area. This is true not only in familial relationships, but in business, government, and social relationships as well; indeed, it applies to any relationship where cooperation and achieving goals are involved.

Let’s take another look at our couples and their leadership issues.

Couple A is experiencing parenting issues. In this case, the person with the greatest level of expertise is Mom. She spends the most time with the child, and they have a close relationship. It makes sense for her to take the lead on most of the decisions regarding parenting, with Dad in the role of supportive helper. That does not mean that she makes all the parenting decisions, but on a day-to-day basis, she will be the most responsible for raising the child.

The situation with Couple B is a bit more difficult. Both are operating from a place of fear – he fears there will be lack in their future, and desires to avoid that by saving; she fears deprivation today, and “defeats” that by spending money freely. She experiences a lot of fear about money and prefers not to think about it. In this instance, the husband is the clear leader, since he has greater expertise in the financial arena and wants to handle the finances. To attain the best results, however, he needs to work with his wife, help her understand his position, and empower her to help achieve their shared financial goals. They can cooperate and manage their finances in a way that suits both their needs, but he carries the ultimate responsibility.

Our final pair, Couple C, has confused dominance with leadership. The husband controls everything in the relationship. That is not leadership – that is domination. In order to achieve more equality in the marriage, they need to look at all areas of the home, and divide the leadership responsibilities. If she spends more time with the children, she should be the parenting leader. If he is an expert in cleaning the house, he should take the lead. Finances, intimate relationships, social relationships – they need to work together to define responsibility for each area. When they both feel that they are contributing, that makes the relationship meaningful.

Think about your own relationship for a moment. In what area(s) are you experiencing conflict? Is there clear leadership in that area? If not, who has greater expertise? How can you work together to improve the situation?

Please bear in mind that I am not talking about one person abdicating relationship responsibilities. Partners should work together to the extent that they are able to do so. But one person should be responsible for making the big decisions in their designated area, while the other person functions in the support role. Leadership should be split amicably across the different areas of the relationship. Once this has been achieved, both partners will feel as though they are contributing equally, and goals will be achieved. Animosity for one another’s methods will decrease, and each will feel more understood, more valued. When a disagreement occurs, it’s less likely to turn into an all-out war, because the concept of identifying the natural leader will already be in place, providing an easier route to a solution.

Have you ever sat on a park bench and watched people? You’ve seen recently committed couples entwined, glowing, oblivious to the rest of the world, enveloped in a private bubble of infatuation. Contrast these love-birds with the older married couples, silently tolerating the other’s presence, alone together in separate shrouds of physical and emotional isolation. Have you ever wondered what transpires between that goo-goo eye beginning of a relationship, and that sinking state of loneliness in a decades-long marriage?

In my profession, I frequently see couples whose marriages have lost their connection. Affection is lacking, specifically physical touch and emotional intimacy.
The partners have drifted apart, believing that they are giving each other independent space, seeking fulfilling interaction with friends and co-workers, connecting with each other more over logistical concerns like children and household chores, than intimate matters. They don’t bother to share their feelings with each other. They find someone else with whom to confide, putting their relationships at risk.

When one partner talks to a third party about how they feel about their spouse and marriage, they set themselves up to being found out. Should the other partner discover that the couple’s “dirty laundry” has been aired, they feel betrayed. Now the relationship is even more vulnerable.

Introducing Anna and Jason

Jason and Anna’s relationship revolves around giving each other space and keeping to their established routines. They don’t touch each other physically or seem particularly interested in one another. Their nine-year-old daughter is the glue that holds their marriage together. When they talk, it’s usually about their daughter and her needs.

Jason is a fiercely independent person, set in his ways. He arrives home at 6:00 on the dot every night, anticipating the downtime he requires to block out his day. The last thing he wants to do is talk to Anna about what happened at work or how he feels about this or that.

Anna, on the other hand, wants to share about her day. He hates it when she interrupts his valued peace and quite with her chatter. The thing Jason despises the most, is her asking him if something is wrong. That triggers total avoidance, a dreadfully quiet dinner, and an early retreat alone to bed for sourpuss Jason.

I met Anna and Jason in therapy where their public persona is such that they smile at one another, are respectful, and friendly. One would think that nothing is wrong with their relationship. When asked about their marriage, they say that they are happy together but would prefer to be a little closer.

Anna shares that to fill the gap left by not being as close as she would like to be to Jason, she has built a supportive network of friends. Monday nights she talks on the phone with her best friends and Thursday evenings she gets together with her college roommates. Jason is all for this. He has no interest in making friends or doing things socially with anyone.

When Jason feels down or stressed, he reports that he gets support from two co-workers, women, whom he considers to be great friends. They are relaxed around each other and can talk about anything. News to Anna. She’s shocked that Jason is more comfortable confiding in co-workers than in her.

How’s this independence thing working?

Jason values his freedom and believes it to be the foundation of their relationship. He loves to spend time on his own; running errands, shopping, even being with his daughter, he’s happiest when there are no other people involved.

Jason’s version of independence has denied Anna access to him. He does not think that touching Anna or talking to her is all that important. Adults shouldn’t have these needs. Anna inadvertently has agreed to this behavior. She has given him space because she loves him. Anna is starved for a connection but copes by relying on her circle of close girlfriends.

So what’s the big deal with intimacy?

If being happy means that a couple has learned how to tolerate one another and work around what isn’t working well, Anna and Jason are doing that. But, even if they are content enough, they have allowed the physical and emotional intimacy, the kind you can only get from a committed partner, to slip away. They are so rigid with one another they are afraid to look into intimacy of this degree; afraid the relationship would end.

In any marriage, it is normal and even healthy to have independent interests and time apart from each other. However, if there is an imbalance between fulfilling your individual pursuits and the physical and emotional needs of your partner, the relationship is vulnerable to someone entering who fills the void for one spouse, leaving the abandoned partner emotionally deserted.

We marry to be happy and to make our spouse happy. We marry to touch and be touched, to be supportive and supported, to grow together, to share, to talk, to play, to love and experience love in return. We marry for that deep level of intimacy. No marriage can survive physical and emotional isolation for long.

Time for reflection

Think about your current relationship. How often do you caress each other, laugh together, and share personal stuff with each other? Do you think it’s childish or silly to do this; that adults don’t need this kind of interaction? If so, please reconsider. Seek to hold onto the physical and emotional intimacy for which you married in the first place. Stay connected. Allow your relationship to thrive.

Sometimes people write for advice when what they are looking for is for me to tell them what they, deep down inside, already know. Take a look at this email from a woman at her whit’s end with her marriage. She seems to be asking for my permission to move on with her life.

Hi Neil,

I am a 33-year-old woman, married for seven years, with two children. My husband, Pierre, provides absolutely no emotional support for our kids or me. I’m not sure he is capable of doing so.

Pierre works dinner shifts in a restaurant, six days a week. When he’s home, he sleeps until noon, then gets ready for work and off he goes. The kids are usually asleep when he comes home, and I’m not far behind. Sundays it’s up early and out the door to play soccer with his friends for most of the day. When I complain about the lack of family time, he shrugs and says he’ll look for a job with a better schedule, but he never does anything about it.

I doubt it’s possible for him to change jobs. Pierre has pretty severe ADHD. He’s been promising to finish high school since we married. Without a high school diploma his opportunities are limited. He makes decent money in the restaurant position. Jobs with schedules that are more conducive to family life either don’t pay as well or are out of his league.

The ADHD makes it nearly impossible to have a conversation with him about anything serious. He tunes out, becomes unresponsive, and pouts like a little boy. When he does respond, he does so impulsively, saying and doing some outlandish things.

We tried therapy. We were told to make sure we spend time together, talk and schedule a date night. None of that happened, and I don’t think anything ever will. Pierre is just not into it.

Being married to someone so unavailable and insensitive has drained me. I’m lonely. I think I deserve something better. What should I do?

Thanks,
Sonia

Dear Sonia,

Your frustration is understandable. You are trying to enlist the participation of an unwilling partner who rejects your efforts.

How is Pierre managing his ADHD? Is he taking medication or using other tools or forms of treatment? If he is and he’s unable to deal with this issue, then there is little chance of you getting through to him.

I am assuming that therapy was your idea and your husband was not interested in trying out the therapist’s recommendations. Is there any chance he would agree to give therapy another try?

I see three options for you to consider

Continue to manage your feelings and compromise your emotional needs to accommodate his behavior and limitations.
You may stay married in the short term, but eventually, you will end up resenting him, and your marriage will deteriorate further.

Find a therapist with whom you can both agree to work.
Sometimes the first therapist you see may not be a good fit. Maybe he/she doesn’t specialize in the kinds of issues you are trying to resolve. If that is the case, and he will go along with it, interview several therapists, select one, and give therapy another shot.

Reality check: Do some soul searching.
Consider that your partner may be deliberately avoiding you and blocking any attempts to fix your relationship. I strongly recommend that you have a discussion with him about his commitment to the marriage.

If he is both capable of being committed to the relationship and committed to it, you have a shot. He will need to be open to the two of you seeking help to fix the relationship, willing to accept feedback, and engaged in trying new ideas for building an adult relationship.

My advice/ your call to action

You need a willing partner who wants to work together to overcome your marriage challenges. If your spouse is unwilling and ignores your repeated attempts to seek help, you either accept the relationship the way it is or choose to divorce and move on.

I suspect that deep down inside you already know what you need to do. Perhaps you asked because you want my permission to make that decision. You don’t need my permission. Go with your gut instinct.

Marriage does not need to last a lifetime. A great part of being in a relationship is having someone to share your life with, celebrate special moments, and bring you up when you are feeling down. You aren’t getting that all alone, married to Mr. Unavailable. You deserve an equal partner in life.

I sincerely hope this helps.

Regards,
Neil