“I have a hard time sleeping,” discloses my client Steve. “ I get up two, three, maybe four times during the night. The next day, I’m beat.”

“Tell me more.  What’s really going on when you feel this way?”  I ask.

 

“I don’t know. I’m just exhausted.  My work hours are the same. My routine is the same every night.  It’s been going on for over six months. Emily and I are fighting all the time. Probably has something to do with that. The stress is getting to me.”

 

Steve is tired. His disrupted sleep patterns have taken a toll on his body. He’s achy and sore. His eyes have a glazed over look like he’s lost. He seems profoundly sad. Cracking a smile in therapy takes effort. I know that he and Emily have been fighting, and their marriage problems are ever present.  He has been self-medicating. His usual one or two glasses of wine each evening has increased to three or four. The couple’s issues are not getting any better; neither is Steve.  Steve is showing signs of being depressed.  The thought of that label frightens him.

 

Depression creates havoc in a marriage. When one partner is depressed, the other often feels that this depression is standing in the way of fixing their problems. They may even blame their spouse for hiding behind depression, using it as an excuse for not working through their issues.

 

The depressed partner is indeed hindered by their condition. It pulls them deeper and deeper into isolation. They may try to stay present, exhibit a positive mood, and hear their partner, but they’re drained. To their spouse, they may appear disinterested and uncaring. However, feeling defeated, they are too spent to do anything about it.

 

A recent study by The University of Toronto, Flourishing after depression: Factors associated with achieving complete mental health among those with a history of depression, Psychiatry Research, 2016, reports “ Two in five adults (39%) who have experienced major depression can achieve complete mental health within one year.”  In other words, they have an overall positive sense of well being and are free from suicidal thoughts and substance abuse for at least one full year.

 

The study further reveals, “Formerly depressed adults who had emotionally supportive and close relationships were four times more likely to report complete mental health than those without such relationships.” These results back up what therapists have believed for years. Problems get resolved faster and with greater ease if you have a supportive partner. A person can’t do it alone, trapped in their own head.

 

In Steve’s case, engaging Emily’s interpersonal support is critical for him to flourish. But the dilemma is that they are having marriage problems. Emily may be neither able nor willing to provide Steve with the support he needs for a full recovery to live depression free. This is where we must start.

 

In therapy, we are working on resolving the marriage problems and improving communication. Steve needs to get out of his head and be more connected with Emily if he is going to gain the support from her that he needs to get better within the marriage.

 

A goal for Steve is to establish new routines that get him out of his social isolation, overcome his physical health problems, and renew his focus, helping win the fight against depression. New routines trigger the neurotransmitters in the brain, keeping them firing so one can feel healthy again.

 

An hour a day of physical activity is helping Steve regain healthy sleep patterns.  He’s weaning himself away from the nighttime wine ritual. He is making healthier food and beverage choices. Steve and Emily are making social plans with friends, and he has joined up with a group of guys who play handball twice a week at a park close to his office.  He’s making progress.

 

Do you know someone with depression or have first-hand experience of it in your life?  Depression is not a life sentence. There is evidence that managing this disorder, and even completely getting over it, is possible. The study cited earlier in this article, includes these encouraging words; “Those whose longest depressive episode lasted more than two years were just as likely to be in complete mental health as those who had had the disorder for only one month.”

Where your attention goes the problem grows.

In some marriages, divorce is unavoidable. One partner wants out. Feelings of love and happiness have diminished over time, replaced by hurt and pain. When someone is determined to leave the relationship the best option is to give them some space. However, there is a second type of divorce situation that can be avoided. Couples can work together to make their marriage stronger than before.

 

Let’s look at the marriage of Sam and Alison. For the most part, Sam is a good husband. He supports his family financially and helps take care of the kids. He helps around the house and drives the kids to sports practice. However, Sam falls short in one critical department: he is not emotionally available for his wife. Whenever Alison wants to talk about something she’s dealing with at work – good or bad – or if she needs help working through a challenge, Sam doesn’t seem to listen. Alison is forced to turn to friends for emotional support.

 

From Sam’s perspective, there is no problem. He works hard all week on the job and gives his attention to the family when he comes home. He’s exhausted most of the time, but he recharges his batteries on Sundays. That’s when his buddies come over to watch football. Sam looks forward to game time, and that’s when he feels most alive. He lives for Sundays.

 

Alison, on the other hand, dreads Sunday afternoons. She feels deprived of Sam’s time and attention, and resents the mess that he and his friends leave for her to clean up. She would like Sam to help the kids with their homework, but when the game is on that is where his attention goes.

 

Sam and Alison have fallen into a dangerous pattern. Alison is disappointed by Sam’s lack of emotional support, and begins to focus on all the things he does “wrong” and how she is forced to pick up the slack from the things he does badly. Sam just tunes Alison out. He feels there is nothing he can do to please her, so why should he make an effort? It’s only when she’s made a request four or five times and resorts to yelling at him that he bothers to take action. He’s accepted this as normal.

 

Then one day they get into a typical argument, but this time Alison is so frustrated that she blurts out, “Let’s just get a divorce if you feel this way” Sam retorts, “Fine – let’s get a divorce.” They torment one another with this refrain for two months before deciding to see a marriage counselor.

 

The counseling sessions do not go well. They are so desperate to be heard by one another that the majority of each session is spent arguing for their individual points of view. Before they can make any real progress the counselor moves to another city, so they simply give up.

 

Out of the blue, Sam is served with divorce papers. He is shocked; he believed that Alison was bluffing to get attention. His pride is bruised; if she wants a divorce, then he’s going to give it to her.

 

Alison doesn’t want a divorce, but nothing she does seems to make a difference to Sam. By serving him with papers she had hoped to show him how serious she was, and that it would trigger a change in his behavior.

 

Now that divorce is on the table, all rational and logical thought goes out the window. Sam stands his ground and Alison stands hers, neither willing to give in and discuss their problems. They have now irrevocably changed their lives and their children’s lives as well. In time they will each find happiness in their new lives, but the pain of this experience will live on forever in each of the family members.

 

This divorce was unnecessary, but how could it have been prevented?

 

Where your attention goes the problem grows. In this case, both spouses focused on what was “wrong” with their partner. They chose to concentrate on the negative, and these negative thoughts turned into a runaway train carrying poison as its cargo. Both felt helpless, as though there was no way to stop it.

 

One simple step that could have turned this situation around was for each to focus on what they needed in order to feel loved and supported. Sam wanted to feel appreciated. He needed Alison to understand that he was giving everything he had, and that he needed Sundays to unwind without being made to feel guilty about it. Alison needed more emotional support. She needed to feel that Sam cared about her struggles, and she also needed to be acknowledged for her efforts in taking care of everyone around her.

 

If they had recognized their own needs and communicated them to their partner, they could have stopped the runaway train. The next step would be to practice meeting one another’s needs. This is where the coaching of a good counselor would come into play. Sam needed to learn to emotionally connect with Alison by hearing her and giving her his undivided attention. Alison needed to respect that Sam required down time to reenergize himself, and he did this through watching football with his buddies. She needed to give him permission to enjoy this activity without guilt.

 

Once you learn to tune into your partner’s needs and support them emotionally you can stop the runaway train. It sounds easy to understand, but it’s not that easy to practice. Hearing and understanding your partner need to become habits that you practice together.

Whenever Mary, John, and their two children visits her family or friends, she always feels like she is the worse parent. Recently they visited their parents. John spent 30 minutes the first time the entire week throwing the football with the kids outside. Mary watched. As soon as her parents joined them, John remarked, “The kids love being outside. If I don’t teach the kids to play football, they’re going to end up spending all their time indoors.” He made several similar remarks throughout the weekend visit.

 

John attended one piano recital for his 8 year old daughter. At the end of it, he commented  in front of Mary’s best friends that his daughter was naturally talented and must have inherited the natural skills from him. She did not need to practice or work hard at playing piano, and all the money his wife was spending for piano lessons was a waste of time.  Mary feels that John takes every opportunity to put her down in front of others. John feels that she is being overly dramatic. He feels that he is trying to build the self-esteem of his kids and his intentions are good for the children.

 

John and Mary have started the pattern of disconnection from one another. Based on their actions, John is trying to focus on parenting style. No two parents have the same philosophy or should behave in the same way even if they are married.  John and Mary’s situation is not uncommon, at all. However, instead of focusing on their parenting and working on developing better relationships with their children, their actions are now based on focusing on the differences between one another.

 

This level of disconnection is very common in a marriage. This is how democrats and republicans distance and disconnect from each other. This is how we disconnect from a family member who is more successful than us. This is how races disconnect; ethnicities disconnect; the sexes disconnect. We focus on our differences. While this may be necessary and even appropriate in some situations, this is what makes it difficult to communicate in a relationship.

 

When we focus on what we have in common with other people (rather than the differences), we begin to be able to empathize with what’s going on with the other person. We start building a sustaining and meaningful connection with our partner. For example, if John was aware of the right tools for stopping disconnection in his relationship then his conversation would have two parts. He would say that his daughter is talented; and that Mary had a role in nurturing and developing the talent in his daughter.

 

We all have the feeling that sometimes we contribute with more that our partners. Here John really feels the talent his daughter inherited outweighs the piano practice and the hours invested in making his daughter develop the skills to be good.  That is a natural thought for him to have. However, our responsibility in a relationship is to educate ourselves about the other person’s experience and contributions.  When we are willing to go there and touch that part of ourselves that first seek to understand our partners we can start to connect with our partners. But if it makes us too uncomfortable, then we focus on our differences. These difference make us disconnect.

 

The consequences for disconnection are severe. Not only to the relationship but to yourself as well. Imagine leading a life where only what you contribute matters. You may feel good about yourself, but you’re leaving behind a trail of hurt souls and lost love. None of us mean to live this way but we end up in this trap of disconnection. So take a second to think about the things your partner does and value the effort they are putting forward.

Remember several years ago when everyone was humming that catchy tune, Happy, by Pharrell Williams.  “…. It may seem crazy what I’m about to say… happiness is in you…because I’m happy…” Made you smile.

 

Many have the impression that being happy in a relationship comes from outside the self.  It’s the responsibility of our spouse to inspire our happiness, or a situation, like having a lot of money will make us happy.  We have “if only” thoughts.
If only:

– I could get a raise at work. We could take a vacation, and I would be happy!

– my wife/husband said, “I love you” more, our marriage would be fantastic.

– my kids would behave; we could have a peaceful home.

– my parents were less demanding; I wouldn’t be so anxious.

– my partner was less distant; we would be happy. That would inspire me! After all, we got married for a reason. 

 

It’s okay to be inspired by others. It gets you through the tough times.  It makes you feel good about yourself and fulfilled in your relationships.  It gives other people in your life the opportunity to contribute to you. You experience new things. But consider that there’s more to it.

 

If you expect the people you care about to be the sole source of your inspiration, think about what’s in it for them. What do they get from uninspiring you? Not blissful happiness but, more like a breeding ground for resentment.

 

If happiness is slipping away in your relationship and the spark to keep it ignited is burning out, I’ve got two tricks up my sleeve that just might help turn that around. One has you looking for inspiration from outside of yourself, the other is from within.

 

Inspiration finds you, and you seize it. 

 

Janine, who has been a corporate lawyer for five years, doing the same old thing day in and day out, was passed over for promotion after promotion. Trapped in an unrewarding work routine and stuck in an unfulfilling family life, Janine’s long hours on the job, including weekends, zapped her energy, leaving little time for her kids, husband or personal life. Her husband suffered from her lack of excitement. He grew tired of trying to conjure up ways to engage her with the family.  Resentment was settling in.

 

Janine was sinking into a depression when something miraculous happened. A conversation with a trial attorney friend got her thinking about being in a courtroom in front of a judge and jury. It lit her up! Subsequently, the friend needed help with a complicated case and requested she get involved. The work, though still time-consuming and demanding, made her feel alive again. She moved from reading contracts behind her desk to presenting her cases in a courtroom.
This opportunity is the spark that ignited her passion. She loved this type of work. Janine’s new level of energy inspired her to be more present and engaged with her kids and in her marriage.  She found inspiration from outside of herself.

 

Inspiration from within you, finds its way out.  

 

Jack is contemplating his second divorce, desperately groping for a thread that might mend his marriage, but disgusted by who he has become. He’s the absent husband and angry father, no longer able to fake happiness. Lost and longing for a time when he used to feel good about himself, Jack reminisces about his old guitar playing days before the first divorce. The thought of playing the guitar made him smile. The vision of standing in front of a few people in a bar strumming away gave him a warm fuzzy feeling of delight. Jack found what was missing. He dusted off his guitar and created an opening for happiness. Jack found inspiration within himself.

 

Is happiness slipping away in your relationship? Is your marriage stagnant? Looking for inspiration and not sure where to look?  Try starting with yourself. Ask yourself:

 

1. What is something new that I can let come into my life right now, that will make a difference?

 

2. What is inside of me, that I can offer to myself or others, that would inspire me and make me feel alive?

 

Looking for answers to these questions just might be the place to start to change how you feel about your relationship.

Every family has its little secrets. Here’s one of mine. When I get caught up in my work, something else in my life gives. Usually, it’s my contribution toward keeping our home tidy.  I stash stuff in our space room.  It irritates my wife.  Recently I had the great idea of inviting my brother over. He’s OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) about cleanliness.  All it took was a casual mention about my needing to clean up my act for my brother to find a large cardboard box, scoop up my accumulated stuff, take it to our basement storage area and organize it.

 

In my brother’s world, there is a place for everything and everything has to be in place. Otherwise, he’ll drive himself crazy obsessing about it. No blame or shame about his behavior. It’s who he is. He knows it and accepts it. We do too. As a family, we even find humor in it, and in my case, sometimes use it to my advantage.

 

A couple in my practice is dealing with an out of control OCD behavior issue. It’s tearing them apart. Tom has always been a detail-oriented person. His extreme attention to detail has served him well in his profession. On the home front, however, his tendency to fixate has taken a strange turn. From out of the blue, Tom is obsessing about all the ways his wife Mary might be cheating on him. Mary is without a doubt not having an affair.

Mary and Tom have been married for 12 years and have three children together.  Mary speaks fondly of Tom.  Before this accusatory behavior, she never hinted at being unhappy in their marriage.

 

The strange behavior started when Mary received several late night work-related text messages. He got suspicious and asked to read them.  Next, it moved on to him checking her web browsing history on the computer they share.  Now he’s sneaking off with her cell phone, obsessing over names and phone numbers he doesn’t recognize, calling back and hanging up.

 

About two weeks after this all started, while having dinner with some good friends, Mary smiled briefly and sent off a text message. Tom insisted on knowing what that message was about. Mary ignored him and continued her conversation with their friends. At first, he backed off. But that didn’t last long. After festering a bit, he blurted out, “I guess someone is rather happy at dinner tonight. Wonder what makes her smile? Certainly not our conversation.” Instantly the mood shifted. An uncomfortable silence set in.  All that was sent over a text message from Mary’s niece was a cute photo of her cat.

 

Deep down Tom knows that Mary is not cheating on him. However, he can’t explain his distrust. He’s tried suppressing his obsessive thoughts, pushing them out of his mind, ignoring Mary interacting with her phone. He’s tried not searching through history on their computer and her phone. All these efforts just make him more anxious.

 

Mary is fed up with his guilt trips and having to account for her every action. He is spiraling out of control. He can’t stop obsessing. Guess what? If I tell you to stop thinking about a yellow canary, all day long you’re going to be thinking about a yellow canary.

 

Tom needs help dealing with his obsessive-compulsive behavior.  The challenge with conventional cognitive-behavioral therapy, made the therapist’s treatment of choice by Albert Ellis and Aaron Beck in the 1950s and 1960s, in treating OCD is that it is designed to correct the undesirable behavior by exposing clients to their controlling thoughts, and then prevent those thoughts from triggering that action.  Don’t think that and do that thing, think about how not to do that thing.  Their attempt to fix it, however, resulted in fixation.  Like stopping yourself from thinking about the yellow canary.

 

In Tom’s case, using the cognitive-behavioral therapy approach, we would expose him to block his thoughts that suggest his wife is cheating.  If he thought she was texting, we would ask him to find ways to prevent himself from looking at her messages.  In my experience, this doesn’t work.  He would fixate on reading her texts.

 

A better way to deal with Tom’s OCD behavior is for Tom to recognize the obsessions that pop into his head during the day. For example, he thinks, I have to check Mary’s text messages; she might be cheating.  Tom has been oblivious to the notion that this thought is an obsessive one that triggers him to act at the moment. By acknowledging it, he distinguishes it.

 

The clincher is not to act on suppressing the thought, but rather play with it.  Maybe create a little jingle “Oh, that’s my OCD, that’s not me.” Engaging obsessive thoughts with an activity is a powerful tool. Swimming laps, tossing a football, mowing the lawn, or making up a “My wife is texting and cheating” song to the tune of Stevie Wonder’s Happy Birthday are all possibilities of a platform for engaging obsessive thoughts but not acting on them.

 

Tom’s been using these strategies to engage his thoughts. Within weeks he realized he did not need to solve the problem or take any action on it. The urge to be suspicious and act still presents itself, but he’s learning how to pause, recognize the thought pattern and diffuse the impact.

 

Mary is happy with his progress and relieved that the blame game is over. Her admiration and deep level of empathy for Tom are evident.  She knows he’s trying. There will be relapses for Tom, but in typical OCD manner, he is obsessive about practicing his new skills.

 

Do you recognize signs of mild OCD in yourself, your spouse or children? If so, you now know that identifying and labeling obsessive thoughts is half the battle in managing the resultant obsessive behavior.

 

Go ahead try this. Let me know the outcome in the blog post below.