Marriage Help

There are two kinds of abuse in a marriage.

It could be either physical or psychological abuse.

Trying to fix your abusive partner or trying to understand why they the behave that way in the first place, is like convincing a alcoholic to give up drinking when they had multiple failed attempts at it.

He promises to change but the pleasures of alcohol in the moment far outweighs the pain of giving it up.

An abusive spouse will never confront himself about the truth of the situation. He convinces himself that you have done something to trigger him or that you share in the blame of their pain.

Abuse is not a result of a bad marriage. He is not this way because you both had an argument, disagreement or your said something to make him behave that way.

Trying to change your behavior to stop him from being abusive is not going to work. It’s not you at all.

Abuse is a psychological problem in the hands of the abuser. It comes about as a result of his attitude, experiences and values that they believe that is important to them.

Abused women or men die slowly every die. You lose your self esteem, your passion and happiness for living, and slowly your marriage dies.

It goes on to affect generations to come especially when your kids are exposed to it.

There is no magic formula for abuse.

The first step is to recognize the signs.

Is it physical abuse? If it is then get help immediately. There is no other practical solution for this.

Is it psychological abuse? First try to diagnose the problem. Is it really psychology abuse or differences of opinion.

Psychological abuse is just as bad as physical abuse and the pain and scars can last a lifetime.

Either he gets help or you need a plan B for your relationship.

The flip side of abuse is almost never discussed but can have a devastating impact on a marriage.

When you have suffered abuse in the past and bring this knowledge into your current relationship, you do this to protect yourself. This is natural.

You use that past knowledge and experiences that gave you strength and courage to overcome the abuse and now use those same tools in your current marriage.

But here is a problem.

What helped you overcome abuse in the past may now be show you as being closed off, confrontational and rigid in your own behavior.

It has the opposite affect of what helped you endure and given you strength in the first place.

The way forward here is to recognize this pattern.

Bring in new behaviors and a level of joy and happiness in your marriage knowing that if you ever faced your old situation again you have the tools to overcome them.

Don’t try and use old tools to fix a current marriage problem.

Some diseases are hereditary. They are passed down from generation to generation via our DNA.

What about marriage problems?

It’s almost impossible because its not in our DNA.

Michael grew up in a strict family. His parents grew up in the depression area. Even though they we extremely wealthy they saved every dime and worked off a strict budget.

Michael runs his home with this strong belief that every last dime has to be accounted for and the check book has to be balanced down to the penny. Sarah on the other hand does not agree with this approach. She would prefer everyone has a budget to spend and not be accountable to Michael for every last dime.

Sarah believes Michael is using the budget as a form of control over her. Michael feels he is doing what his parents taught him to do best.

Most couples especially when they face a severe crisis or hit a brick wall in their marriage start copying the prior generation.

My favorite story is the Easter Sunday ham story that some of you might have heard before – it’s about a little girl who goes over to her mom and says ‘Mom, why is it that every single Easter Sunday you bake a ham and then you cut both ends off of that ham?’ and the mother says ‘I have no idea. Grandma used to do that and so I just do it.’ and she said ‘But you know what? Grandma is in this room. Let’s go over and ask her.’ So both go over and ask Grandma ‘Why do you always take a ham and cut both ends off every time we have a big Easter Sunday dinner?’ and Grandma looks at them and says ‘You know, I’ve never thought about it. My mother used to do it.

But great-grandma is sitting in this room so why don’t we go find out?’ Well they all march over to great-grandma and ask the same question and great-grandma says ‘Because I never had a pan big enough to fit that big old ham.’ So you see, three generations later, they are still cutting off both ends of the ham without questioning it.

So you might believe that marriage problems are not hereditary.

But we are constantly reacting in our lives to our husbands and wives the way your mother reacted and the way your grandmother reacted.

If you know how to replace the old automatic voices in your head with new voices, it breaks the cycle. It breaks the habits, beliefs and something new will come into your life.

When it does both of you will see each others point of view and start listening to one another.

What are the old voices and tapes you reacting to that been unconsciously passed down from your family to you?

Think about it. It just may be the spark to turn your situation around.

How To Deal With Marital Abuse And Dealing With Reverse Abuse

Are Your Marriage Problems Hereditary?