Is your family enmeshed and if so, how can you untangle it?

People in enmeshed relationships are defined by the relationship rather than by their individuality. In families that are tightly bound, members often have limited autonomy. Their roles and expectations are set within a family dynamic that dictates what the family does and how they behave and interact. Clear boundaries between family members are few and far between. The boundaries are tangled together yet permeable, like a blockage in a sewer pipe that restricts the flow. They are collapsed and blurred.
Maryanne and Pete are clients of mine. Pete rolls his eyes when Maryanne shares that she talks to her mother at least five times a day by phone or text message. He thinks it’s excessive. Yet, both parents text their children throughout the day. Back and forth messages about school work, activities, issues with friends or teachers, what’s for dinner, whose turn it is to unload the dishwasher, reminders to bring an umbrella or some other inane tidbit consume their days. The family’s boundaries are enmeshed. The expectation that Maryanne and her mother have with each other is the same as what Maryanne and Pete have with their kids. They are all entangled in a consuming web of routine and expectation.
I wanted to see where else boundaries might be restricting the couple’s relationship, so I asked: “How are things between the two of you?” Pete conveyed that they are too busy with the kids, or Maryanne talking to her mom, to have much time together. On the weekends or in the evenings one or the other will be tired, have other responsibilities to handle or other things to do that prevent them from having a night out or spending quality time together. They don’t go anywhere or do anything because other things take priority.
What’s going in here is not uncommon. It’s a boundaries issue. Maryanne and Pete have rigid boundaries around the family dynamic that have pushed them away from each other and keep them apart. That’s what brought them to my office.

The couple is experiencing resentment. They feel sad about not being able to communicate with each other and about not spending time together. It’s not that Pete and Maryanne don’t want to spend time together, it’s that the enmeshed boundaries with Maryanne’s mother and the kids, and the couple’s rigid boundaries around what they do and do not do, has them caught in a trap. They need to find a way to move from the enmeshed and rigid boundaries to more relationship empowering clear boundaries.

How do you move from enmeshed and rigid boundaries to clear boundaries?

Clear boundaries create space for people to feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and becoming themselves. Establishing them breaks apart the mesh that keeps individuals from blossoming and sets the stage for getting out of the negative cycle of the trap of enmeshment.
In Pete and Maryanne’s situation, where she is in communication with her mother five or six times a day, their solution was to cut that down to once a day. First, Maryanne told her siblings about her objective to set more healthy boundaries with their mother. Maryanne enrolled her siblings into sharing the responsibility of touching base with their mom during the day. She believes that they all feel better about being involved in supporting their mother.
With the kids, they are allowed to contact their parents only in emergencies during the day. The older two children are responsible for helping the younger one if she needs something during the day. Evenings are designated as family time. There is no contact on social media and cell phones at the dinner table are taboo. The rule of how communication happens is very specific. It’s clear and understood by all rather than flimsy and undefined as in the previous enmeshment.
Regarding Maryanne and Pete’s interaction as a couple, instead of having rigid boundaries between them, they are trying to spend more time together. They’ve created a daily 15 to 20-minute walk-and-talk, a distraction-free stroll around the block where they talk freely about family and personal matters. They are also working on replacing the automatic response to spending time together from “no” to “let’s look at how we can do that.” As a result of shifting these boundary constraints, they are moving toward clearer boundaries in their relationship. I am happy to report that for Maryanne and Pete, things are heading in the right direction.

Are you struggling in your relationship? Might there be enmeshed and or rigid boundaries that are keeping you and your family members from being free to be or become the unique individuals you are? If so, what might you do to define clearer boundaries?
Please let me know what you are doing and how it’s working for you. You can reach me through the comments section. I will personally respond to your comments, concerns and questions.

Jackie had a very controlling father. He set high standards for his family, and maintained very strict rules for the household. He was controlling, demanding, and aloof. He changed jobs frequently, and ultimately he suffered from severe depression. Jackie’s mother bore the brunt of his fierce anger and cold silences throughout their unhappy marriage, trying her best to protect the children.

When Jackie met Simon, she knew he was the man for her. It was love at first sight. Simon was everything that her father was not: warm, caring, responsible, a good listener, a good provider. He didn’t talk much, but he was always present. Jackie knew that she could count on Simon to provide the closeness she never experienced with her father, and that she would be important to him. He was her ideal partner.

Six years into the marriage everything is different. In Jackie’s eyes, Simon has changed. He had always been quiet, but now she perceives his silence as hostile and withdrawn. Instead of being the great listener she fell in love with, he stares at her blankly when she talks to him about her day. The blank, uninterested look replicatess the same attitude that her father directed to her mother, and Jackie feels betrayed, because Simon is not who she thought he was after all. Interestingly, the origin of this problem does not lie with Simon; it resides within Jackie.

As a result of her desire for a relationship with a man completely unlike her father, Jackie began building up an image of Simon long before she really got to know him. She identified some of his behaviors and patterns as being ideal, and assumed that he was everything she wanted in a partner. When Simon failed to live up to her assumptions, she was bewildered as to how he could have changed so much.

Now their relationship stands on the brink of dissolution. Jackie does not realize that she projected her image of the ideal man onto Simon, and Simon never understood that it was his job to live up to her expectations.

The disappointment that Jackie is experiencing was inevitable. She had unknowingly set unattainable goals for her husband, so it was simply a matter of time before he began failing to meet them.

But instead of seeing Simon for who he really is, Jackie is tied to her ideals. She staunchly refuses to let go of the idea that Simon has changed. She believes that if he has changed, he can change back, and then he will once again be her perfect partner.

Herein lies the trap that many relationships fall into: to be truly in love, not just in lust, requires empathy and understanding. But when one or both partners have unrealistic images of their mate, understanding is lacking, making empathy difficult to achieve.

For Jackie, the best way to move past this problem is to begin with herself. Jackie is not perfect; she has flaws and challenges that Simon can rattle off at lightning speed. As it turns out, she is very demanding of him. He has no friends and has a curfew. His visits with his parents are scheduled by Jackie, and there is no deviating from her schedule. Jackie is obsessed with working out every day, and is very picky about what she eats. She makes sure their meals are balanced and healthy, and junk food is not allowed in the house. Simon wouldn’t dare stray from the meal plan no matter what he craves. He finds it’s much easier to go along with Jackie’s plan because it keeps her happy.

In order to move into a place of empathy, Jackie has to be willing to compromise. She needs to realize that she, too, has issues to work on. She has to develop empathy and show some compassion for herself. Once she is able to do that, she will begin to develop and show compassion for Simon. As she moves away from the idealized image she has projected onto Simon and begins to accept that he is a human being with both flaws and needs, she will be less critical of his behavior. At this point, the relationship has a chance of surviving.

Once they begin to break down the idealized images, as a couple they will be able to co-create realistic goals and expectations for their relationship. It is in the co-creation of these new dreams that they begin to heal and save their marriage.

Carl Jung, a famous analytical psychologist, developed the idea of the “animus” and “anima”. The animus is an inner masculine aspect of the female unconscious mind. Conversely, the anima is an inner feminine aspect of the male unconscious mind.

Did your parents read Love You Forever by Robert N. Munsch to you when you were young?  “I’ll love you forever. I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.” What a lovely sense of well-being that story of unconditional love has given to children since the mid-1980s, a mom loving her child despite his childish antics.

Well, you’re not a baby anymore, and you’re not nine or even seventeen. You could be 50 years old with kids who are young adults, but for most of us, when we are with our parents or siblings we are treated much the same as when we were children.

Our family of origin, the family we grew up in, versus the family we create as an adult, is where we develop our sense of self. We learn how to process emotions and how to communicate.  It’s where our values and beliefs start to take shape. Regardless of whether you grew up in a safe environment with lots of love, or in one deprived of opportunity and security, whether you’re married, single or divorced, when you visit your parent’s home, or at a family gathering, the patterns of that period resurface and family members assume their old roles.  You automatically revert to being a child.

Jessica and Charles have a good marriage, except for one challenge.  Jessica’s relationship with her parents is strained. Her father has always been critical of her and her mom, a cold and rigid taskmaster. Jessica’s visits with her parents trigger arguments with Charles.  She takes out her frustration on Charles, finding fault with everything he does, blaming him for the way being with her parents makes her feel.

Holidays are especially stressful for Jessica and Charles, torn between his family of origin and hers.  Charles’ parents home is cozier and feels more relaxed. Their two children love both sets of grandparents but gravitate toward spending more time with Charles parents. Jessica’s siblings and parents accuse her of abandoning them, choosing her in-laws over them.  She resents Charles, blaming him for taking her away from her family even though subconsciously she would rather spend time with his family. Jessica is jealous of the relationship Charles has with his parents and wishes she had the same with her family.

Growing up, Jessica’s mother dominated the household. It was her way or the highway. Her dad didn’t have much say. He went along with his wife’s strict rules and took on the role of co-enforcer.  They spent holidays with her mother’s parents. That was it. Holidays were a busy time, always work and obligation. Jessica does not remember any cheer.

At the onset of her therapy with me, Jessica asked her mom about her experiences growing up. She was surprised to learn that her grandmother was loving and very lenient. Three of four daughters ended up getting pregnant and dropping out of high school.  One of the three was addicted to drugs. Jessica’s mother, the fourth and more wholesome daughter, decided the best gift she could ever give her children was to enforce some rules, so they would grow up to be successful in life.

After struggling for a long time to understand why her mother was cold toward her, Jessica now knows why her mom parented the way she did.  But, learning the story and understanding her mother’s motivation is not enough to change her feeling towards her mother. She has spent her entire life interacting with her parents in specific ways. The patterns are fixed. Only new experiences will facilitate a shift.  Jessica set out to do just this.

The Goal: Overcome Jessica’s anger toward her mother.

I am not advocating forgetting what has happened, but most of us depending on the situation can work towards some level of forgiveness.

The Plan: Visits and Phone Calls

• Jessica planned two trips to visit her mother. The first was to observe how she interacted with her parents. The second was to alter how she interacted with them.

On the first trip, if her parents commented on her wearing the same blue pajamas three nights in a row, or criticized how she unloaded the dishwasher like they did when she was a child, she merely noted the comments and the reactions.

On the second trip, when her mother made the same kinds of comments she did not just observe. Jessica politely and loving told her mom why she did what she did, and that this is the way she is. Jessica stood up for herself and at the same time worked on making her parents see her differently. She did not do this from a position of anger or defensiveness.

• Jessica called her mother at least twice a month, just to talk. Initially, she simply asked questions to get to know her mother better. Then she started asking her mother for parenting advice. Even though Jessica did not follow the guidance, the seeking of it opened up a soft spot in her mother’s cold persona. When her mother saw her role as an advice-offering grandmother, her relationship with Jessica shifted.

Family of origin struggles affect most families.  They can go deep and sometimes are too hurtful to mend. There are reasons why your parents treat you the way they do, good as well as bad. If you can understand, even though you may never forget the hurtful things they have done, then you have a chance of redefining your role in the relationship with them.  It is worthwhile mending these relationships.

Of course, you will always be your parent’s baby and your children will always be yours. Still, it’s possible for children to grow up and have adult relationships with their parents.

“Change is the only constant in life.” An ancient Greek philosopher said that, and we still hold it as one of the facts of life. Things inevitably change, and relationships get shaken up.

 

There are three periods of change, life cycle transitions, in a marriage where a couple is at a heightened risk of divorcing. The first is 18 months after the couple has had their first child. The second, when the kids leave home in pursuit of independent lives, and the third is when couples retire and try to spend their golden years together.

 

Life cycle transitions are challenging for couples. The reality of having a needy baby to care for, or of living in the quiet of the empty nest with a refrigerator still stocked for feeding teenagers, or of the ever present retired spouse with a void to fill cause significant shifts in a couple’s relationship. The household dynamic is different. Former routines no longer suit the new situation.

 

And baby makes three  

Ron and Sarah’s first born is 18-months old and since her birth has been their only focus. They’ve established a routine where they share the chores and baby responsibilities. Except for work they are together all the time with the baby.

 

Pre-baby days, Ron would spend time after work with his workmates a couple of evenings a week. Thursday was Sarah’s girls’ night out. As a couple, they connected over regularly scheduled dates and an occasional weekend away. Their lives had structure and balance. Now, with no alone time and no connection time, the “all baby all the time” routine is challenging their relationship.

 

Sarah and Ron are having an especially difficult time because they had never talked about how they were going to handle their relationship or expectations from each other. They just let things happen. Sarah is more of a homebody, content to be at home. Ron is an extrovert who feels stifled not being around others. They have been arguing and have little experience communicating effectively.

 

In haste and out of sheer frustration recently Ron lamented, “I wish we had waited longer to have a kid.” He immediately regretted saying that. Sarah is angry about his words and remorseful about getting married too quickly without considering their expectations.

 

The couple is struggling to adapt. All the love, attention, and energy in the household have been channeled toward the new baby. They stopped addressing their individual needs and needs as a couple. What connection they have, fragile and without communication fluency, is tenuous, leaving them unable to communicate about how to treat one another and define expectations for their marriage going forward as a family. They are at a vulnerable place.

 

All’s quiet in the empty nest

 

Tracy and Michael’s twins recently went off to college. Throughout the children’s formative years, Tracy and Michael’s life centered on their kid’s activities. Now the family dynamic has changed. Suddenly the energy level has been sucked out of their home, like the air out of a deflated balloon.

 

An eerie quietness has settled in around the house. Michael has thrown himself into his work and stays at the office later into the evening. Tracy catches herself grocery shopping for four and preparing enough dinner for a full house. She misses the children and calls them repeatedly throughout the day.

 

Without the kids around Tracy and Michael don’t know what to talk about. When they do, they have the same conversations over and over again. Small talk they call it.  They don’t know how to relate to one another in a way that makes them feel intimate and connected. They are drifting in separate directions, Tim off to the golf course and Tracy to the mall or weekends away from home. Their relationship at this point is vulnerable.

 

Managing Life Cycle Transitions

 

There have been significant changes in the family dynamic of these couples.  Couples are at greatest risk of losing their intimate connection with one another at times of life cycle change.

 

One way to deal with this is to recognize what is going on and plan at least one activity a week together as a couple. The act of building a habit for connection keeps a couple together in the midst of the family evolving.

 

As you transition from one stage of life to another, you are not the same people you were at the previous point in your relationship. You have changed, evolved and grown and have different needs. If you can let go of the old expectation and rebuild new ways of connecting and falling in love again, then you have a good chance of reconstructing a marriage that lasts. Remember, change is a constant in life. Embrace it if you can.

There are many, many ways to become stuck in a negative marriage cycle, and one of the most common is the magnification of a partner’s personality trait. Once one partner becomes fixated by a habit or trait of the other partner, especially if it is considered negative, it almost becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

Married couples seem to have many complaints in common:

• A husband who is dominant or overbearing. He always gets his way in the marriage
• A wife who is overly dependent upon her husband. She needs constant emotional support, which he may not be willing or able to give
• One partner who has no desire for sex
• One partner who has an addictive personality or is highly dependent on alcohol, sex, etc.

 

As a therapist, I look for traits so I can understand how they affect the relationship. I frequently find that over time, couples increasingly see their partner as one dimensional – they fail to recognize their spouse as a fully rounded individual. They begin to feel as though they are trapped in quicksand with no hope of getting out, because they have narrowed their expectations of the relationship.

 

Samantha perceives her husband to be dominant and bossy. Jake perceives Samantha’s requests as complaints. He is very irritated by Samantha’s comparison of him to his mother, who is a chronic complainer. When I asked if they each display these traits all the time, without hesitation they both said, “Yes”.

 

When asked if there were moments during the day that Jake was not dominating and Samantha was not complaining, they found it difficult to identify their spouse’s different behaviors. After thinking hard about Jake’s behavior the previous day, Samantha said, “I can’t think of any moment.” Jake identified a time period when Samantha was not whining. “When she was asleep. That’s the only time she doesn’t ask for something.”

 

If this couple isn’t aware that their partner has behaviors different than the ones they perceive, this relationship is doomed to fail. Talking about it during therapy won’t solve the problem. They need to believe that their partner has another side to his or her personality, a side that values, loves and trusts them. And the way to develop this belief is through experience.

 

Jake and Samantha need to see their partner’s personality traits as a “range of possibilities between extremes”, instead of an “extreme, generalized, stable trait”. To help couples deal with this challenge and begin to see their partners in a new way, Dr. John Verhulst developed the Smooth-Rough Scale.

 

The Smooth-Rough Scale is an exercise that any couple can do at home. It involves creating two columns on a piece of paper, with one column labeled “SMOOTH” and the other column labeled “ROUGH”. During the course of a typical day, each partner makes notes about the other’s behavior, and using a 10-point scale, rates each action. For example, let’s say that Jake makes coffee for himself and Samantha. Samantha may give that a “6” rating in the Smooth column, because it was a nice thing for Jake to do and she did not have to make any effort. Later that morning Jake sends her a quick text message to ask how her day is going. Again, she would give that a rating in the Smooth column, because it demonstrates his caring and emotional support. If they have a conflict that evening, Samantha would note that in the Rough column, and give it a rating. The most important aspect of this exercise is to write down how the other partner behaved during these moments, and the feeling that resulted. When Jake texted Samantha, she could note that it made her feel loved that Jake cared about her day. When they got into an argument, she could note that she felt devalued because he called her a name.

 

This exercise has two specific goals:

1. To help each partner realize that they have narrowed their perceptions, and that there is more to the other person than simply one or two personality traits; and

1. To help people set boundaries by identifying what makes them feel good and what makes them feel hurt or isolated.

 

Each partner should perform this exercise separately, and only share if both feel comfortable. It doesn’t take long before each realizes that the other has both smooth and rough moments, and that each person feels emotions at varying degrees. What might seem like a minor incident to Jake could be very hurtful for Samantha. When spouses are able to acknowledge these differences, that is when a couple can make real progress in addressing the problems in their relationship.

 

I will leave you with a caution: If you don’t feel that you are ready to share your ratings with your partner, trust your instinct and don’t do it. In this situation, I would encourage you to seek help from a professional. With the guidance of a therapist, you can work together to see your partner’s personality through a different lens. You can uncover your own triggers for the communication, intimacy and connection that you desire. In fact, this exercise can also be applied towards improving intimacy in your relationship by rating the most intimate and sexually stimulating experiences versus the things that turn you off. Again, this exercise should be undertaken with the guidance of an experienced therapist.