The headline for this article reads like a country music song, oozing with emotion and heartache over unrequited love.  The article is kind of like that only for the couple involved; the heartache is real.

 

Do you think it’s possible in a long-term relationship, for one partner to love the other fully without being loved back in return? It is, and it happens all the time. However, it can take years of neglect and emotional abuse for the partner who is doing all the loving to understand the ramifications.

 

Joanna and Tim have been married for 13 years.  Joanna has a full-time job; she makes sure that kids are taken care of, pays most of the bills, runs the household and plans the couple’s social life. Tim is quiet and keeps to himself, rarely sharing his thoughts or feelings. He lost his job and after an interval of being unemployed landed a stable part time position.

 

Joanna is frustrated with her husband. He always appears depressed or anxious. The behavior isn’t recent. It’s not due to losing his job. It’s how he is and has been. He’s moody. For as long as Joanna can remember, Tim doesn’t know how to be happy.

 

Joanna will plan a night out, a movie, concert or nice dinner in a fancy restaurant. “Sure, he goes along with it, might even seem appreciative at first. But I’m on edge the whole time, waiting for one of his inevitable mood swings where he retreats into his head, and I’m all alone with unresponsive Tim sitting next to me.  I’m tired of trying to make him happy or force a smile out of him. He’s content being a disinterested blob.”

 

After over a decade of being the sole provider of love, joy and happiness in the marriage, Joanna’s used up.  She now faces a dilemma. Tim has never reciprocated love in their relationship. It has always been a one-way street. Now she wants to feel loved and experience passionate romantic love.

 

According to self-help expert, Tony Robbins, couples experience different levels of love in a relationship.

 

• Level 1:  Baby Love.  I’ll love you if you give me what I want or need; otherwise, there’s going be trouble.  Think of a baby. “Give me my bottle or I’ll fuss.”

 

• Level 2:  Transactional Love (Horse-Trader Love).  “If you give me a back rub, I’ll massage your feet.”

 

• Level 3:  Unconditional Love.  (Real Love).  “No matter what, I love you.”     This is the love we hope to feel about our family and partners

 

• Level 4:  Spiritual Love; the love that transcends everything. “I love everyone, even my enemies.” Think of Mother Teresa or the Dalai Lama. They are the essence of love.

 

Most of us oscillate up and down levels one, two and three in our marriages. Hanging out a lot in levels one and two.

 

Joanna has demonstrated both transactional love (“I’ll plan a nice night out if you’ll be pleasant.”) and real love in her relationship with Tim. She has been primarily unconditional in loving him for over a decade and expected nothing in return. She has neither felt nor experienced that from him.

 

Tim is barely on the chart when it comes to love in a relationship. When he is, it’s baby love. “Don’t ask me to talk about my feelings or I’ll get weird.”

 

Joanna feels alone. She is questioning her marriage. Tim is angry. He blames her change of heart on his having lost his job and with that, her respect for him. He wants them to get over it and go back to the way it was. Joanna, on the other hand, is ready to move on.  She’s awakened to what hasn’t been working all along. She feels that Tim is not capable of loving her the way she wants. Tim may not even be capable of loving himself.

 

That message did not land well for Tim. He got defensive. Remember, Tim’s not one to talk about his feelings. Reluctantly he’s agreed to practice some steps I’ve outlined for him to try to rebuild his relationship with Joanna.

 

Tim’s first assignment:

• Practice being fully present with Joanna, paying attention, being alert, and not zoning out.
• Recognize that Joanna’s need to be loved and made to feel special is a reasonable and legitimate expectation.
• Demonstrate that he is attentive to her needs.

 

This couple has a long way to go. The patterns of how they react to each other in their 13-year marriage are set. The reality of the situation is that Tim does not know how to be happy. If he can break through that, then he has a chance of moving out of the baby love stage and onto demonstrating transactional as well as unconditional love to Joanna.

It is frustrating for any couple to work through a challenge where they have differing opinions. One partner may be involved in the day to day parenting whilst the other works full time and wants some influence over the family scene.

 

According to Stacy, her husband travels a few days every week. She usually takes care of the kids and plans out their week. And Stacy spends Thursday evenings with her girlfriends. It is one day of the week she gets to connect with friends who understand her and she gets to enjoy herself.

 

Over the past month her husband, John, has been spending at least two weekdays at home. He is usually home on the weekend. But things have changed. Last week he insisted their daughter not visit a friend for an hour to complete her project because he wanted to spend time with her.

 

He picked up his son from football practice early Friday evening knowing he stays a little later to hang out with his friends. His son has been involved in football practice for a year, always staying a little late to hang out with friends. He insisted that he would like to spend more time with his daughter didn’t see the need for her to hang out with her friends for a few hours every Thursday. After that, he apologized to his son for taking him home from practice early and the next day bought him an XBOX worth $300.

 

Stacy’s husband is oscillating from not being present during the week to now stopping the kids from doing their activities and trying to guilt Stacy into spending more time with him.

 

When behavior like this happens in a family, usually the children feel it is unfair. They are used to spending time with friends and doing their usual activities.  They like their schedule and enjoy their activities, and feel that those things have been ripped away from them. Stacy also feels controlled. Whenever John is around and  trying to spend more time, he guilts her into stop doing the activities she enjoys. She feels stifled and cheated.

 

John feels alone. He feels as if his family does not appreciate him. Whenever he tries, he gets pushback from someone. He is wondering whether the kids and Stacy appreciate all he does for the family. This vicious cycle repeats itself. Over time this ends in yelling, fighting, and negotiation where everyone is trying to get their way in the family.

 

In order for the couple to overcome the constant oscillation of their behavior and to create stability and safety in their marriage, both of them are going to need to have some influence over what transpires in their daily routine. John wants to feel like he is respected and his needs are also taken into account despite his work situation. The best way for Stacy and John to work on this situation is to acknowledge that Stacy has been running the ship in a certain way.

When John comes home they need to first negotiate what it will look like in advance before any changes are made to the routines and schedule. In this negotiation, for example, John could say I would like to spend one day a week with a special date night for the two of us and it does not have to be a Thursday. Or John could pick a specific time with Stacy or a flexible time other than a Thursday if his schedule changes on a weekly basis.

 

It is up to John and Stacy to normalize the routine when John is not around. In this way the entire family is aware of the routine and that exceptions and changes will be made on specific days. In this way the kids feel safe and can also plan their activities and do not have to figure out the oscillation that transpires when John is back home. By creating this flexibility in the schedule, the family accommodates any changes easily.  This will improve the overall feelings in the family. However, if this is not negotiated upfront and discussed then stress, unpredictability, and difficulty will appear. No one will feel safe and ultimately there will be hurt feelings.

 

How can you create flexibility when your partner’s needs or actions change in the relationship?

Jess has been married for 13 years and has a beautiful seven-year-old daughter. Jess is currently frustrated with her husband. Three years ago, he lost his job. Jess is as an accountant so she started to take care of the finances on top of the household responsibilities.

Her husband, Bill, has found his feet and started working again. However, the responsibilities for running the home have stayed the same. She is responsible for paying the bills, making sure he pitches in to cook dinner one night a week  and reminding him to watch his spending. His credit cards are constantly maxed out and he is oblivious to how much he spends.

 

Bill is a loving father and a good husband, but he takes no responsibility for anything other than working. According to Jess, he feels this is enough.

 

When she pays the bills each month, she feels resentful, especially when they are over-budget. Bill bought himself a new set of golf clubs and had to get his car serviced. The car was important, but the golf clubs seem less so.

 

Jess wanted to take her daughter to visit her mother in Florida. However, she may have to postpone that trip since their cards are almost maxed out again. She will have to wait months to see her family. Jess feels guilty that although her mother has made good progress recovering from cancer,  she has not seen her only grandchild in a long time.

 

Jess is frustrated because she wants Bill to be more involved at home. Why does she have to be the police officer enforcing all the rules? She wants to be debt free and save some money so that they can enjoy some vacations together and have money for any emergencies that may arise. She has been telling Bill about this for months. He spends money without thinking. His chores are never done until she reminds him.

 

Jess is beginning to question whether her marriage will survive in the long term. She knows that Bill will want to help pay off the debt, and take care of things in the short term. But what about the long term? Will they have enough money for their daughter’s college tuition? Will they ever have some financial security? She isn’t sure that Bill can help with these goals.

 

This kind of situation is not uncommon in a marriage. One partner is very goal oriented and outcome based. They want to move towards dreams and outcomes in order to feel safe. This feeling makes them happy. What they want from their partner is usually very specific and tangible.

 

Bill on the other hand is happy to give up responsibility. It makes sense, since he is not outcome based. He can live with things the way they are. He lives in the moment on a day to day basis and he functions well this way.  If there are no responsibilities other than work , he is free to have more mental space to be relaxed. Bill strongly feels that he contributes a significant amount to the relationship as he works hard and does his best.

 

They are so close to getting what they both need in the relationship but they are one degree off. This one degree of difference is where all the problems are in the relationship. This one degree of difference is causing resentment and they do not feel connected and supported by each other.

 

Jess, instead of focusing on the outcome (i.e. having a specific amount in the bank or paying off her debt), needs to focus on the process. Each week she plans to sit with Bill and talk about what both of them need to do so they both feel good in the marriage. Jess talks about what support she needs from Bill in order to feel like their finances and future are in order. Bill talks about the alone time that he needs to recharge and unwind from responsibilities. They both find ways to support one another.

 

They have been doing this new one degree course correction for 30 days. Nothing much has changed with respect to paying of the credit cards but Jess feels happy. Jim talks about what he is doing to understand their finances. She knows that he cares and she feels if they continue down this path they will be able to take care of each others needs.

 

Obviously their 15 minute conversation will change every week. They will continue to make small one degree of separation choices. Their ultimate destination is happiness and they are on course to feeling happy without the need for a floatation device.

At some point in a relationship the lack of sex and intimacy is desired and no one wants to talk about it. On the other hand one partner feels pressured to have sex by their partner.
Here is what I usually hear in my therapy sessions:

 

“He always wants to have sex. He seems like an Ever-ready bunny. I have no desire after a full day’s work.  I can’t just drop everything and give in.”

 

“I don’t understand this and am embarrassed to talk to my friends. They are always complaining about how their husbands are always in the mood for sex or continually bribing them for sex. Yet my partner seems uninterested. He would never do anything if I didn’t ask. I am tired of the rejection. Am I doing something wrong?”

 

The Challenge

The two most common challenges I see in therapy is where one partner continually declines the request of sex and where the other partner feels rejected and that their sexual and intimacy needs are not met in the relationship. At some time or another, almost all couples will encounter this experience. The good news is that this experience is normal. It is expected, especially. if couples are in a long term relationship.  They have not yet figured out the skills to help them navigate through this challenge.

 

The bad news is that this situation can get frustrating for both partners. Left unchecked this could cause resentment or sometimes lead to blame or even to looking outside the relationship to get their needs met. When couples experience this intimacy dance, one partner could be considered a high desire partner and the other a low desire partner.  (Snarch and Snarch).

 

The Myth And The Reality

This sexual intimacy pattern can be found in almost any relationship. I just want to point out that being a high desire or low desire partner does not mean there is a problem with intimacy; it simply means that one partner has a preference or style for sexual intimacy that differ from their significant other.

I saw a couple in therapy where the wife wanted to have sex three times a day, and the husband wanted sex once a day. The wife was considered high desire and the husband the low desire partner. This was a perfectly healthy and normal relationship. There was nothing wrong with their intimacy.

 

To compare, I worked with another couple where the husband preferred sex three times a week and his wife once a week. In this case the husband was a high desire and the wife was a low desire.

 

High desire or low desire is a personal preference. The person with the high desire in the relationship usually pursues the partner with the low desire. After repeated rejections for intimacy, they get frustrated and start to make new meaning about their partners and what sex means for them in the relationship.

 

The partner with the low desire unfortunately controls sex. Though you may not like to think or believe so, that is just the way the dynamic works here. The partner with low desire does not usually want to control sex or be in the power position. However, through repeated rejection of their partner, they send a message that they are not ready at that moment. This message usually appears in the form of rejection in the eyes of the high desire partner.

 

When one partner controls the sexual interaction, specifically when and where they engage in sex, trouble and challenges for sex and intimacy begin in the relationship.

 

The Solution

Fortunately there is a way to help both partners so that their needs for sex and intimacy are not only met, but so that their intimacy gets deeper and grows. If this area has been a source of concern for you, then I would strongly recommend that you first seek to understand your partner’s intimacy needs. This will allow your partner to also understand your needs as you talk through the issues.

 

The way you do this is to first talk about your intimacy desires. Your partner may say, “I would like to have sex more often. That is how I feel connected with you.” You may say,  “First, I need some emotional contact like hugging, kissing, or finding out about my day and meeting some of my emotional needs. That is what will get me to wanting physical intimacy.”

 

But that is not enough. The problems are not solved here. The high desire partner has to understand that the low desire partner is not physically rejecting them. This understanding is key, but it may take some time for the high desire partner to get there. The low desire partner should make every effort to communicate that they understand the high desire partner’s want for more frequent intimacy rituals. The high desire partner should feel that their needs are heard. This is an emotional response.

 

Frequently in a therapy session I would use a tool called, sensate focus, to help the couple rebuild sexual intimacy and desire. This is a treatment method that uses touch, or contact in a non-threatening safe way, to reconnect sexually irrespective of the person’s sexual intimacy style. You can work with your partner to do this on your own, specifically where sexual intimacy needs are a challenge. Once you respect both the high desire and low desire intimacy style and see that both fulfill a purpose and need in your relationship, you are well on your way to healing your sexual challenges.

When my nephew was seven years old, he walked around with his monkey sock.  He ate with it, slept with it, bathed with it, and he played outside in the dirt with it.  You could never wash the monkey sock or pry it away from his hands.  He was attached to this monkey sock for years.  It gave him comfort, especially when he was exposed to new things or tried something new.

 

It was his security blanket.  Kids need a security blanket of some sort to feel safe.  That’s how they create attachment to significant others.

 

Jane, on the other hand, was sitting comfortably in her therapy office, but was starting to feel annoyed.  Her husband, sitting across from her, is a computer programmer.  She is a teacher.  Whenever she has a conversation with him, his eyes are usually glued to his computer screen.  She felt that he had turned away from her.  He felt that he was multi-tasking; that he could listen to her and check his computer at the same time.

 

As he sat in the therapy room, he seemed fidgety.  He looked around, didn’t make eye contact, and searched for his phone.  He quickly flipped it upside down when Jane gave him ‘that’ look. On the surface, this appeared to be a normal interaction that most couples experience.  This couple loves each other, has kids, and usually supports one another.

 

So why are they in therapy?

 

Jane’s attachment to her husband has been threatened, like my nephew’s attachment to the monkey sock. Jane needs her husband’s attention.  This is her security blanket.  If it’s not present, then this threatens her attachment to her husband. None of this behavior is necessarily logical.  Based on evolutionary research, psychologists have found that a secure attachment to another person dates all the way back to when we were hunters and gatherers. This need for attachment has been around forever, and it hasn’t gone away.

 

Today, our culture has led us to believe that only children need to feel securely attached.  Adults need to be strong, and basically suck it up.  If you’re an adult, then you don’t show weakness in a relationship. But we cannot control this reaction.  When Jane is threatened, she feels that her husband dismisses her.  Her emotional system kicks in and creates a reaction.  This kind of reaction is typical for many people in relationships and similar situations.

 

When you’re threatened in this manner, then the part of your brain called the amygdala hijacks the prefrontal cortex (also known as the logical part of the brain).  It triggers an alarm system response.  You feel threatened.  The security blanket that you are relying on is no longer there. Now without thinking, your amygdala sends a response and you automatically get angry, feel anxious, raise the tone of your voice, or withdraw and be silent.  This all has to do with regaining that security blanket.

 

This is the reason why Jane’s conflict appeared simple, but they were in therapy trying to figure it out.  They appeared to have an irrational response to a simple conversation and need. When you notice that your response to your partner or your partner’s response to you seems out of control to simple challenges, ask yourself if they are challenged with a form of attachment in your relationship.

 

One way to resolve this problem is by acknowledging that it takes strength and courage to talk about your needs in the relationship.  It is not a sign of weakness because your brain hijacks and takes over when faced with a threat response.  You cannot control the response.

 

If you discuss how you feel, why you feel this way, and what that means for your odd reactions, then you can help yourself move past the threat response.  Your partner might be able to better understand what you need and give you that security blanket that you need to feel safe and secure in the relationship.  This is what couples need from each other to overcome their challenges.