Relationships And Marriage

I Hate Who I Have Become In This Marriage

“I just hate who i have become,” she says to me. “I seem to be angry all the time. No matter what he does I’m angry and cannot shake this feeling towards him. This is not me. I hate who I’ve become and how i feel.” She reaches for Kleenex as she tries to wipe the tears from her eyes. Her husband just stares at her in frustration.

This feeling is common among couples who are facing challenges in their marriage.

The reason we get married in the first place is to heighten our emotions.

If we feel better living with a partner rather than living alone, that’s the reason we marry.

Think about all those feelings you had when you first got together. You called each other at 2 am in the morning. You jumped out of bed to be with your partner. You texted them a 100 times during the day. You felt better.

Your emotions were heightened.

But now you feel different. You are becoming a different person. You are not only angry or upset towards your partner but it’s affecting your relationships at work or with the kids.

Your emotions are “knocked down.” This know down effect is going to eat away at your marriage.

This is a dangerous place to be.

The best way to turn your situation around is to re-build your emotional experiences with your partner again.

It’s about identifying where you at and what you do together that brings out love and joy.

Each couple has their own emotional sequences. The mission for you is to first identify what’s knocking you down. Then find alternative ways of rebuilding your feelings towards one another.

So the key question for you, “What is your current emotional sequence that is causing the knock down effect?”

Divorce Selfies?

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There is a new trend…

I’m not making this up. People are now taking selfies outside divorce court with their divorce papers in one hand and a smile on their face. And then it goes live in their social media accounts.

Which brings me to the question, “Should all marriages be saved?”

I don’t believe so. But I believe that if you were in love with your spouse at the very beginning of your relationship you owe it to yourself and family to explore every single option to see if it can work first, before taking the route of divorce.

And if you explored all options, then you can walk out of your relationship with your head held high knowing that you gave it your all.

My wish for you and your relationship is to take more marriage selfies while you’re together and build a great marriage rather than celebrating the end of your relationship only.

Why Your Spouse Ignores You When Trying To Work On Your Marriage Problem

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You are a fast action taker. You get things done now. If you experience a problem you cannot go to bed and it’s always on top of your mind till it’s fixed.

He takes time to make decisions. He is slower, methodical and sees the glass as half empty.

You argue about a communication problem you have. You want to talk about it and get to the bottom of the problem. You spoke to a therapist, did the research and know how to fix your situation.

But when you talk to him about it, he shuts down. He is cold and distant and says “I’ll think about it”

When faced with this situation, it’s easy to assign blame or think in a negative way about your partner.

You think he is distant and does not want to confront the issue. You push harder but it’s frustrating.

He thinks you want to get your own way. Nothing seems to be wrong and does not see the need to deal with the issue right now.

We all have different personality types. Some of us are fast action takers.

Your spouse process information slowly, makes slow decisions but when they do make a change it last for a long time.

We are constantly trying to get a result or fix our marriage problem assuming our spouse has the same personality style as we do.

It leads to more pain, frustration and resistance.

Or you can chose to understand his or her personality style and know how to talk to them so that you get the result you want.

The choice is not an easy one. It’s tempting to communicate the way you always been doing it.

Embrace their personality type.

It may take a little longer but the results you get lasts for a long time.

More Positive Behaviors Alone Will Not Save a Marriage In Crisis

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One of the methods used by therapists and psychologists to help couples save a marriage is a tool called behavior therapy.

Behavior therapy works when a couple does more positives acts for one another than negative acts.

Some psychologists revert to math. They may turn around and say for every one negative interaction you should have 5 positive interactions.

On the face of it this seems logical advice.

No doubt, having more positive interactions than negative means you moving in a positive healthy direction.

But the challenge is that this, is temporary solution.

We are all creatures of habit.

When we have a problem we can start to apologize and say 5 positive things to overcome the one negative thing you have done, and in theory this should work.

But this does not last long. We go back to our old habits and start all over again.

Math does not work when it comes to solving severe marriage problems.

Let’s assume that your spouse cheated on you.

I’m pretty sure it’s going to take more than 5 loving words, gestures, moments of kindness and apologies for you to forgive him.

What if he is controlling or violated your trust in another way?

Blindly following math advice or one specific method or approach to fixing your marriage problems is a danger signal.

A better way is to understand and reframe your thoughts and beliefs about a problem, work on your emotions and finally start to recognize the behavior changes that the both of you need to make to overcome your problems.

It’s not math but a combination of thoughts, emotional and behavioral changes that can turn around a problematic marriage fast.

The Hidden Threat of Keeping Score In Your Marriage

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When you experience pain in your marriage, without realizing it, either him or you are keeping score.

I’ve taken the kids to the park this week and it’s his turn to spend time with them.
I have initiated sex with my wife all the time and I wish she reciprocates this time.
We visited his parents so now it’s my turn.
He never takes me out for a date night unless I ask for it. Is it too much for him to make me feel special?

Without you realizing what’s going on, both of you start to count and measure what you have done for each other.

You compete with one another. You think if only he could do his share and spend time showing more love and connection we will be able to survive this storm.

Your thoughts focus on what’s not being done in your marriage. You start to feel more negative towards him or her. Then your feelings turn into action. You hold back because your spouse has not done their share of the work or initiated intimacy.

It’s difficult to break this pattern because in a competition someone has to WIN.

And if someone wins then the other person has to lose.

Break the cycle of counting. Just play out your day without keeping score.

It starts with a conscious choice. You will feel better and your actions towards your spouse will immediately change.

They will see the change in your energy and your actions.