Relationships And Marriage

Is Your Marriage a Classroom or Disneyland?

Couples get confused what their marriage is all about. For some they look at their marriage as disneyland. They try to push away their problems and deal with it when it’s out of control or too late.

For other couples they see their marriage as a classroom. A marriage is to make you feel good but at the same time teach you different lessons.

Let’s say your husband lost his job six months ago. You barely surveying on one income. You have 5 credit cards and they all reached their maximum. Your savings are almost wiped out and you are worried about making rent the following month.

Most times couples feel like a failure when they encounter this situation. Your husband thought he would get a job by now and contribute to the family. The pressure is on. You are having a hard time at work and stressed out about the finances. Every time you talk to your husband you don’t see any hope in sight. He is starting to resent these conversations. You have been more than patient and expect him to make a greater effort to take care of the family.

If your main goal in life is to have a great home, financially secure less stressed than you usually are then you feel disappointed and stressed. Your self esteem may take a hit. You could give a meaning to this event and think someone is making you suffer.

This is a shock and can stress any marriage.

For some couples they don’t understand what’s really going on. They say “ life was supposed to be smooth. Why should I face all these challenges. Why me? I want my marriage to feel like Disney.”

And there are others who been through this and say “I get it. Marriage is a classroom. We are going through some painful lessons. But these are temporary. We need to learn these lessons now so we don’t make these mistakes in the future. Next time we need to have more savings, find jobs where its less volatile and work together to get over this bump.”

As soon as this is over we are ready for recess.

When reality does not meet our expectations of the way things should be we end up in pain. Make the wrong decisions and place severe stress on the marriage.

Give your situation a new meaning. What lessons are you meant to learn from this. Once you understand that then focus on how you can get to your end goal.

Marriage is a classroom. There is great opportunity for you to grow. That is the only lesson you need to understand in order to turn your marriage around irrespective of how you feel in the moment.

How To Ride The Marriage Storm and Go from Pain To Pleasure

By neilvenketramen Leave a Comment

Have you ever seen couples that argue and seem like they about to rip each other apart yet in the next moment are smiling and passionate towards one another?

Yet for other couples, the argument stops fast but it leads to resentment and pain. You keep talking about the same marriage problems but the situation only gets worse.

The difference between these two marriages is the level of TRUST.

When you trust one another, you can argue and disagree but when the storm passes you feel passion and love. It happens in a blink of an eye.

The issue with trust is that its always built when there is difficulty and hard times. When you make it through that the relationship will grow.

In these times you are tempted to influence your partner to see your side and place your needs first. But when you do the opposite in stressful times he or she gets to see that you are increasing the bond of trust rather than weakening it.

They know that despite what happens in the moment you have their best interest at heart.

There is a specific way to build trust since each relationship is different. Men feel trust more when they feel significant.Women when they feel loved and have a great sense of connection feel the bond of trust.

There is a specific way to build trust when you face the storm.

Whats the level of trust in your marriage. How do you know that? If you face a storm can you withstand that easily. If not look into rebuilding trust again.

Do You Feel Anger or Resentment Towards Your Spouse?

By neilvenketramen Leave a Comment

Women sacrifice more in the relationship than a man would.

Angela, 31, was talented at figure skating. She said, “every time I got on ice I would lose myself and feel alive. This made me happy.” Within the first two years after her marriage her husband gave her a choice. It was either spending time skating or spend more time with him. Angela sacrificed skating to spend more time with him.

Nicole, is married with three beautiful children. At aged 14 her dad walked out on her family. Her mom and siblings took care of her. She was close to her family and loved having them around.Her husband Mike did not feel comfortable around her family. He was the only child and grew up distant from his parents. Mike gave her an ultimatum. She was only allowed to talk to her family on the phone once a month and visit them once a year. To keep the peace and avoid conflict she complied with Mike’s request but secretly contacted them.

Many women act like Angela and Nicole. They give up their hobbies or friendships and turn away from the people whom they adore so that they don’t lose the man they love.

When your marriage is in trouble and you are find it difficult to overcome your problems, you are naturally bound to feel a bit of anger or resentment.

You sacrificed so much for him but he does not acknowledge this. He does not see what you have given up for him.

He expects more from you.

The communication breaks down and you don’t know how to solve the problems.

Every time you sacrifice the things you love you chip away at your own self esteem. You give away a little of you. When you give up everything, this type of loss is followed by anger and depression.

Men love it when you sacrifice for them. They will never resist that.

When you sacricfice, they expect you to continue to act that way, because they think you enjoy it.

Michael said, “i’m not sure what my wife is so upset with me. She makes all family decisions when we go on vacation. I thought she like doing that stuff. Now she is angry that I don’t take the time to book vacations and trips with her. I am confused.”

That is a source of major conflict in the marriage. You sacrifice and don’t understand why he will not compromise and do the same for you.

When you keep sacrificing your happiness and needs there will always be an expectation for you to continue to behave that way. When there are major problems in your marriage and now you push back or disagree your husband will think you are trying to be difficult or you need to change.

He does not see that you sacrificed and you are the same person.

First take care of yourself. Make time for all the activities that fills you up with joy and happiness irrespective of the problems you face in the moment.

Then when you take care of yourself he will see you as a confident person. There is no man who is not attracted to confidence. Then work on your marriage problems.

You deserve that.

Why Marriages Fall Apart When There Is Change

By neilvenketramen

Change is inevitable in a marriage.

You get a new job
You may have to move to a new city or country
You have kids
Financial pressures causes tension
Kids leave home and you become empty nesters
You face a mid life crisis

Most couples when faced with change naturally resist change.

“I wish we saved early enough to send the kids to college. I wish you did not take that promotion since we never see you anymore. You are distant and rather spend time with your computer than with me.”

We try and fix our current problems by thinking about what we did in the past.

We try to fix our partners like we want to be treated. Women wish their husbands would talk more about their emotions like their girlfriends do.

Men don’t want to deal with the problems directly because they think it is no big deal and will eventually take care of itself.

When we cling on to existing roles, habits and feelings when change happens were hold on to being rigid and inflexible.

You believe that your husband or wife must see things your way for the marriage to work and to fix your problems. But conflict and problems occur because they also have beliefs and don’t want to change. They believe you have to change first or that you don’t understand them.

One of my clients said “I’m from a family where we stay in a marriage and would never leave not matter what happens. I thought we would work things out. However, his father left them and he comes from a family where you would just be silent or leave. There was no talking, no fixing, it was just over.”

The key is not to resist change, have your way or believe his way. Secret to dealing with change is have a growth mindset.

Figure out a new way that the both of you would agree is the best way to fix your problems in the moment. You both then agree on it and its a joint idea. You don’t resist the change.

Growth mindset. Thats how you overcome marriage conflict.

Two Ways To Handle The Pain In Your Marriage

By neilvenketramen

He cheated on you.

She says to him “i am not in love with you anymore”

He says “your family is more important than me. It’s either them or me”

She says “we struggling financially and why can’t you make more, or get another job and step up and provide for us”

What your partner does or action they take causes Pain.

The kind of pain that keeps you awake at night. The kind of pain that’s top of your mind. You cannot function at home or concentrate at work because it hurts.

There is two ways to deal with the pain of his/her actions or hurtful comments.

1. You can blame him for all the pain that he has inflicted on you. It’s natural since most of us don’t intentionally cause pain to ourselves. So pain is all his doing. But only if he just changes his ways your marriage will be better. This seldom and rarely happens. No one takes responsibility for their actions especially if they feel they are right

2. You can look at pain in your marriage as an important lesson that you have not yet learnt. In the moment it does not feel good to deal with this pain. Why should you especially if he is the root cause of it?

But what if the pain is something you need to experience so that both of you can learn from it and never have to go through it again.

When you learn how to embrace it, talk about it and overcome this challenge together will get the lessons you need to learn now in order to make your marriage better.

Or you can chose to resist it. You could fight the pain, the hurt and push it aside hoping that it goes away or blame him for it. But all you doing is postponing your suffering for later.

I think the better way is to learn how to navigate your pain and problems now, especially with the right tools to better your marriage today.