Neil Venketramen

Lack of Physical Touch + Strong Independent Streak = Open Door to Heartache

Have you ever sat on a park bench and watched people? You’ve seen recently committed couples entwined, glowing, oblivious to the rest of the world, enveloped in a private bubble of infatuation. Contrast these love-birds with the older married couples, silently tolerating the other’s presence, alone together in separate shrouds of physical and emotional isolation. Have you ever wondered what transpires between that goo-goo eye beginning of a relationship, and that sinking state of loneliness in a decades-long marriage?

In my profession, I frequently see couples whose marriages have lost their connection. Affection is lacking, specifically physical touch and emotional intimacy.
The partners have drifted apart, believing that they are giving each other independent space, seeking fulfilling interaction with friends and co-workers, connecting with each other more over logistical concerns like children and household chores, than intimate matters. They don’t bother to share their feelings with each other. They find someone else with whom to confide, putting their relationships at risk.

When one partner talks to a third party about how they feel about their spouse and marriage, they set themselves up to being found out. Should the other partner discover that the couple’s “dirty laundry” has been aired, they feel betrayed. Now the relationship is even more vulnerable.

Introducing Anna and Jason

Jason and Anna’s relationship revolves around giving each other space and keeping to their established routines. They don’t touch each other physically or seem particularly interested in one another. Their nine-year-old daughter is the glue that holds their marriage together. When they talk, it’s usually about their daughter and her needs.

Jason is a fiercely independent person, set in his ways. He arrives home at 6:00 on the dot every night, anticipating the downtime he requires to block out his day. The last thing he wants to do is talk to Anna about what happened at work or how he feels about this or that.

Anna, on the other hand, wants to share about her day. He hates it when she interrupts his valued peace and quite with her chatter. The thing Jason despises the most, is her asking him if something is wrong. That triggers total avoidance, a dreadfully quiet dinner, and an early retreat alone to bed for sourpuss Jason.

I met Anna and Jason in therapy where their public persona is such that they smile at one another, are respectful, and friendly. One would think that nothing is wrong with their relationship. When asked about their marriage, they say that they are happy together but would prefer to be a little closer.

Anna shares that to fill the gap left by not being as close as she would like to be to Jason, she has built a supportive network of friends. Monday nights she talks on the phone with her best friends and Thursday evenings she gets together with her college roommates. Jason is all for this. He has no interest in making friends or doing things socially with anyone.

When Jason feels down or stressed, he reports that he gets support from two co-workers, women, whom he considers to be great friends. They are relaxed around each other and can talk about anything. News to Anna. She’s shocked that Jason is more comfortable confiding in co-workers than in her.

How’s this independence thing working?

Jason values his freedom and believes it to be the foundation of their relationship. He loves to spend time on his own; running errands, shopping, even being with his daughter, he’s happiest when there are no other people involved.

Jason’s version of independence has denied Anna access to him. He does not think that touching Anna or talking to her is all that important. Adults shouldn’t have these needs. Anna inadvertently has agreed to this behavior. She has given him space because she loves him. Anna is starved for a connection but copes by relying on her circle of close girlfriends.

So what’s the big deal with intimacy?

If being happy means that a couple has learned how to tolerate one another and work around what isn’t working well, Anna and Jason are doing that. But, even if they are content enough, they have allowed the physical and emotional intimacy, the kind you can only get from a committed partner, to slip away. They are so rigid with one another they are afraid to look into intimacy of this degree; afraid the relationship would end.

In any marriage, it is normal and even healthy to have independent interests and time apart from each other. However, if there is an imbalance between fulfilling your individual pursuits and the physical and emotional needs of your partner, the relationship is vulnerable to someone entering who fills the void for one spouse, leaving the abandoned partner emotionally deserted.

We marry to be happy and to make our spouse happy. We marry to touch and be touched, to be supportive and supported, to grow together, to share, to talk, to play, to love and experience love in return. We marry for that deep level of intimacy. No marriage can survive physical and emotional isolation for long.

Time for reflection

Think about your current relationship. How often do you caress each other, laugh together, and share personal stuff with each other? Do you think it’s childish or silly to do this; that adults don’t need this kind of interaction? If so, please reconsider. Seek to hold onto the physical and emotional intimacy for which you married in the first place. Stay connected. Allow your relationship to thrive.

Emotionally Neglected, Starved for Attention, All Alone: Enough Already

By Neil V Leave a Comment

Sometimes people write for advice when what they are looking for is for me to tell them what they, deep down inside, already know. Take a look at this email from a woman at her whit’s end with her marriage. She seems to be asking for my permission to move on with her life.

Hi Neil,

I am a 33-year-old woman, married for seven years, with two children. My husband, Pierre, provides absolutely no emotional support for our kids or me. I’m not sure he is capable of doing so.

Pierre works dinner shifts in a restaurant, six days a week. When he’s home, he sleeps until noon, then gets ready for work and off he goes. The kids are usually asleep when he comes home, and I’m not far behind. Sundays it’s up early and out the door to play soccer with his friends for most of the day. When I complain about the lack of family time, he shrugs and says he’ll look for a job with a better schedule, but he never does anything about it.

I doubt it’s possible for him to change jobs. Pierre has pretty severe ADHD. He’s been promising to finish high school since we married. Without a high school diploma his opportunities are limited. He makes decent money in the restaurant position. Jobs with schedules that are more conducive to family life either don’t pay as well or are out of his league.

The ADHD makes it nearly impossible to have a conversation with him about anything serious. He tunes out, becomes unresponsive, and pouts like a little boy. When he does respond, he does so impulsively, saying and doing some outlandish things.

We tried therapy. We were told to make sure we spend time together, talk and schedule a date night. None of that happened, and I don’t think anything ever will. Pierre is just not into it.

Being married to someone so unavailable and insensitive has drained me. I’m lonely. I think I deserve something better. What should I do?

Thanks,
Sonia

Dear Sonia,

Your frustration is understandable. You are trying to enlist the participation of an unwilling partner who rejects your efforts.

How is Pierre managing his ADHD? Is he taking medication or using other tools or forms of treatment? If he is and he’s unable to deal with this issue, then there is little chance of you getting through to him.

I am assuming that therapy was your idea and your husband was not interested in trying out the therapist’s recommendations. Is there any chance he would agree to give therapy another try?

I see three options for you to consider

Continue to manage your feelings and compromise your emotional needs to accommodate his behavior and limitations.
You may stay married in the short term, but eventually, you will end up resenting him, and your marriage will deteriorate further.

Find a therapist with whom you can both agree to work.
Sometimes the first therapist you see may not be a good fit. Maybe he/she doesn’t specialize in the kinds of issues you are trying to resolve. If that is the case, and he will go along with it, interview several therapists, select one, and give therapy another shot.

Reality check: Do some soul searching.
Consider that your partner may be deliberately avoiding you and blocking any attempts to fix your relationship. I strongly recommend that you have a discussion with him about his commitment to the marriage.

If he is both capable of being committed to the relationship and committed to it, you have a shot. He will need to be open to the two of you seeking help to fix the relationship, willing to accept feedback, and engaged in trying new ideas for building an adult relationship.

My advice/ your call to action

You need a willing partner who wants to work together to overcome your marriage challenges. If your spouse is unwilling and ignores your repeated attempts to seek help, you either accept the relationship the way it is or choose to divorce and move on.

I suspect that deep down inside you already know what you need to do. Perhaps you asked because you want my permission to make that decision. You don’t need my permission. Go with your gut instinct.

Marriage does not need to last a lifetime. A great part of being in a relationship is having someone to share your life with, celebrate special moments, and bring you up when you are feeling down. You aren’t getting that all alone, married to Mr. Unavailable. You deserve an equal partner in life.

I sincerely hope this helps.

Regards,
Neil

What is the Number One Killer of Love in a Marriage?

By Neil V Leave a Comment

Jackie had a very controlling father. He set high standards for his family, and maintained very strict rules for the household. He was controlling, demanding, and aloof. He changed jobs frequently, and ultimately he suffered from severe depression. Jackie’s mother bore the brunt of his fierce anger and cold silences throughout their unhappy marriage, trying her best to protect the children.

When Jackie met Simon, she knew he was the man for her. It was love at first sight. Simon was everything that her father was not: warm, caring, responsible, a good listener, a good provider. He didn’t talk much, but he was always present. Jackie knew that she could count on Simon to provide the closeness she never experienced with her father, and that she would be important to him. He was her ideal partner.

What is the Number One Killer of Love in a Marriage — How Can I Save My Failing Marriage

Six years into the marriage everything is different. In Jackie’s eyes, Simon has changed. He had always been quiet, but now she perceives his silence as hostile and withdrawn. Instead of being the great listener she fell in love with, he stares at her blankly when she talks to him about her day. The blank, uninterested look replicatess the same attitude that her father directed to her mother, and Jackie feels betrayed, because Simon is not who she thought he was after all. Interestingly, the origin of this problem does not lie with Simon; it resides within Jackie.

As a result of her desire for a relationship with a man completely unlike her father, Jackie began building up an image of Simon long before she really got to know him. She identified some of his behaviors and patterns as being ideal, and assumed that he was everything she wanted in a partner. When Simon failed to live up to her assumptions, she was bewildered as to how he could have changed so much.

Now their relationship stands on the brink of dissolution. Jackie does not realize that she projected her image of the ideal man onto Simon, and Simon never understood that it was his job to live up to her expectations.

The disappointment that Jackie is experiencing was inevitable. She had unknowingly set unattainable goals for her husband, so it was simply a matter of time before he began failing to meet them.

But instead of seeing Simon for who he really is, Jackie is tied to her ideals. She staunchly refuses to let go of the idea that Simon has changed. She believes that if he has changed, he can change back, and then he will once again be her perfect partner.

Herein lies the trap that many relationships fall into: to be truly in love, not just in lust, requires empathy and understanding. But when one or both partners have unrealistic images of their mate, understanding is lacking, making empathy difficult to achieve.

For Jackie, the best way to move past this problem is to begin with herself. Jackie is not perfect; she has flaws and challenges that Simon can rattle off at lightning speed. As it turns out, she is very demanding of him. He has no friends and has a curfew. His visits with his parents are scheduled by Jackie, and there is no deviating from her schedule. Jackie is obsessed with working out every day, and is very picky about what she eats. She makes sure their meals are balanced and healthy, and junk food is not allowed in the house. Simon wouldn’t dare stray from the meal plan no matter what he craves. He finds it’s much easier to go along with Jackie’s plan because it keeps her happy.

In order to move into a place of empathy, Jackie has to be willing to compromise. She needs to realize that she, too, has issues to work on. She has to develop empathy and show some compassion for herself. Once she is able to do that, she will begin to develop and show compassion for Simon. As she moves away from the idealized image she has projected onto Simon and begins to accept that he is a human being with both flaws and needs, she will be less critical of his behavior. At this point, the relationship has a chance of surviving.

Once they begin to break down the idealized images, as a couple they will be able to co-create realistic goals and expectations for their relationship. It is in the co-creation of these new dreams that they begin to heal and save their marriage.

Carl Jung, a famous analytical psychologist, developed the idea of the “animus” and “anima”. The animus is an inner masculine aspect of the female unconscious mind. Conversely, the anima is an inner feminine aspect of the male unconscious mind.

The Difference Between Healing And Expecting Your Partner To Get Over a Problem

By Neil V 1 Comment

Sometimes a couple will attend therapy because one partner has broken the marital trust. The person who has caused the challenge usually wants their partner to “get over” the specific problem. In their mind, getting over the problem equals being forgiven and returning to life as usual. This makes sense, since the trust-breaker usually bears an uncomfortable sense of shame or guilt and they do not want to feel that way. 
 
However, what happens to the person who is hurt? How do they overcome this betrayal?
 

Sarah was watching a movie on a regular Wednesday night. Her husband was away on a business trip, and the kids were already asleep. Luxuriating in these rare moments of down time, she stretched out on the couch until her foot contacted something hard. Curious, she extracted her husband’s iPad from between the seat cushions. That was strange, as James never left the iPad out where the kids could damage it.
 

Before she could even set it on the coffee table, it began pinging with notifications. And there, right before her eyes, her world began to unravel. She was watching a conversation unfold between her husband and another woman. Sarah knew the woman – she was one of his co-workers. But this conversation had nothing to do with business. The two were flirting and exchanging pictures. Neither was showing any skin – this wasn’t a “sexting” situation – but nevertheless, the tone of the exchange was completely inappropriate.
 
 
In our next session together, James confessed to the flirtation. He promised that nothing like that ever happened before and that it would not happen again. He apologized, and thought Sarah would drop it. But Sarah was not ready to let go of the incident quite that fast. Although he could see that his actions had hurt his wife, James felt that his apology was sufficient, and couldn’t understand why Sarah was not able to “get over” the incident.  
 
This event was not the reason the couple was in therapy, but it became the focus for quite a number of sessions until James could understand and work through his emotions. He wanted their life to go back to “normal”. He expected Sarah to understand that he’d made a mistake and he was sorry, and to trust that he would never do it again. He didn’t understand Sarah’s continued hurt and anger, and felt as though she was punishing him because she wanted to talk about it. James believed that if he just gave her some space, she would forgive him and move on, and they would never need to talk about it again. That was his way of healing. That made sense to James.

What James was missing, however, was that he was asking Sarah to ignore her feelings. Since he had never engaged in a flirtation like this before, he expected that she would unconditionally trust his word. At the same time, he expected her to have faith and courage that he would never cheat on her again. In his mind, Sarah is not allowed to have these feelings if their relationship is to work. 
  
This type of problem can be compared to an iceberg. If the surface area of ice above the water line is small, it would be easy to assume that the berg is insignificant. Any ship plying these waters would be able to bump it out of the way or run over it without harm.
 
The problem with most icebergs, however, is what lies beneath the surface. If the iceberg is deep, the ship will have to go full speed ahead and hope that the hull can split the berg so it can continue forward. Most times the ship will sink. 
 
Expecting a partner to just “get over” the pain may work in the short term to keep the marriage together. But the problem most coupes don’t understand is what lies below the surface, and how deep it goes. 
 
 
James gave Sarah an ultimatum: either she moves past her feelings or he moves out. 
 
When this happens in a session, as a therapist it makes me wonder two things: 

Why is James so adamant that Sarah needs to change? He needs to examine his own actions, and question why his shame or guilt is so deep that he cannot bear to talk about it or have her bring it up. After he has acknowledged his feelings, he must sit with her and hear how she feels, then supply the answers she needs to heal from this event.

Why is Sarah allowing herself to be forced into concealing the disappointment and sadness she feels? Her concession is stopping her from working through the problem. Without information from James, it is nearly impossible to rebuild trust and set new goals for their marriage.  

Forgiveness and healing generally occur when both partners are engaged in working on their relationship.  

Only when Sarah is allowed to put aside her fears and frustrations, and together they take a really good look at what is lurking beneath the surface, can healing happen. Once the emotions and feelings are named and given the right roles, this couple can move forward.  
 
If not, their ship will continue to sail in uncomfortable waters for a while, but if they don’t resolve this issue and make the repairs to their relationship, at some point in the future they are going to hit another iceberg, and may never recover. 

Where Has All the Passion Gone? Reinventing the Marriage of Your Dreams

By Neil V Leave a Comment

Quarrelsome couples have clues about what needs working on in their marriages.
Their arguments suggest what’s off in the relationship. It’s the less feisty couples that are harder to figure out. When partners settle into quiet complacency, accepting a passionless coexistence as roommates, acquiescing to this is what happiness looks like after many years of marriage, that I as their therapist am challenged.

Kathleen is 53 years old and married with two young adult children who have left the nest. Her husband, Simon, owns a small pizza restaurant. The business is their only source of income. They do just well enough to pay the bills and take occasional modest vacations.

Simon employs a manager he trusts and has a loyal team of people capable of running the pizza shop, yet he feels compelled to go in every day, seven days a week. Simon is overweight and doesn’t take care of himself. He’s got high blood pressure. Many nights he works late and when he gets home with a belly full of pizza, drinks two beers and goes straight to bed. He snores heavily, so he opts to sleep in his daughter’s vacated bedroom; he doesn’t want to disturb his wife.

Kathleen is worried about his health. With the children out of the house, her focus on Simon, his weight, and his unhealthy habits, has intensified. He feels harangued as well as embarrassed. His medical challenges include an inability to maintain an erection. They have not had sex in over two years. Kathleen works out regularly and eats well. She is healthy and physically fit.

Simon’s low self-esteem is further exacerbated by shame and guilt built up over the years as a result of the failure of his business to thrive. His dream was that the pizza shop would prosper and grow; providing them with a nice nest egg. That didn’t happen. Fluctuations in monthly sales due to market conditions, the weather, and the whims of a fickle public have eroded his sense of security. He walks around with a cloud hanging over his head.

Simon would love for Kathleen to work and contribute toward the household income. After having been out of the workforce taking care of the children for decades, Kathleen lacks both job skills and confidence. Working together in the restaurant is not an option. They tried that, and it didn’t go well.

The couple does spend some time together on weekends, parked in front of the television or eating out at a restaurant. When asked about their relationship they acknowledge that they like and respect each other and are relatively happy, but this is all their relationship has to offer. Kathleen will never leave Simon, but at the same time, she is never going to have an intimate relationship with him. She’s resigned. From the couple’s perspective, there is nowhere for the relationship to go. The marriage is stuck.

Relationships like Simon and Kathleen’s are common. Usually, the couples refer to it as liking one another and being happy but not passionate. Couples come to therapy to mourn the fading of the spark that triggered marriage in the first place.

It is ultimately up to the couple to decide how they want to live. However, if a couple has gotten to the point of sitting in my therapy office, there is no chance I’m going to accept their choosing to wallow away in a relationship where there is no love. We’re going to work on getting to the bottom of the issue and turning it around.

We start at the beginning. Why did you get married in the first place? What promises did you make to one another? What were your hopes, dreams, and expectations?

Not all dreams come true. Not all expectations are met, and not all goals come to fruition. However, because we are human, we have the ability to establish new goals for our relationships and ourselves. No matter how small or insignificant they may seem, you can set new ones and experience incremental successes toward achieving those goals. Acknowledging the small steps you are making initiates the rebuilding of passion and real happiness in the marriage.

Kathleen and Simon are doing just that. Kathleen has taken the plunge to become financially stable. She’s enrolled in a computer administration program and loves interacting with other people, being a student, and the learning environment. She plans to apply for a job soon. Simon seems happier. He knows that the financial burden will not entirely rest on him. Now it’s his turn to start making some changes to turn their marriage around.

We get just one life to live. Why spend it mourning the loss of your unrealized dreams and goals? It’s in your power to invent the life that lights you up. You and your partner have the ability to refocus and create a happy life together.