Neil Venketramen

Keeping the Spark Alive in a Marriage: Building Habits for Intimacy

By Neil V Leave a Comment

“What brings you here today?” I ask the couple in their early 30s sitting in my therapy office recently.

The wife reports while the husband stares at the floor, “Well, we bought into the get married, have two kids and live happily ever after fairytale. But really, the live happily ever after part just isn’t happening.”

“Tell me more,” I queried.

She elaborates, “He spends more time at work or after work with his colleagues, and on weekends with his friends, than with the kids and me. I used to be his lover and his wife. Now I’m the just the mother, the maid, and the babysitter. All I’m asking is for him to be home at a reasonable time and to spend more time helping with the children and around the house.”

“Humph,” he rebuts, “I’ll never get promoted if I blow off work stuff. Sure, I love my family and all that, but this is how it is. I want our marriage to work, and I bring home decent money, but I don’t set the rules of the workforce. I can’t be there every time my wife gets tired of changing diapers.”

Time out: I give them a task, an easy one. “Hire a babysitter Saturday evening, go out and have fun. The only stipulation is that you need to spend at least two hours alone together. Come back next week and tell me how it went.”

At the next therapy session, they reported back that they were unable to complete the assignment. The couple didn’t go out together. Instead the bought take-out and sat in front of the television watching a movie while the children slept.

I wondered, what’s stopping them from going out on a one-night date? probing with my customary, “Tell me more.”

The husband answered with logical assurance, “Well, I did the math. Paying for a babysitter and going to a reasonably priced restaurant would cost around $200 bucks. That’s a lot of money. We talked, and she agreed.”

Hm…There is more going on here I thought, so I pressed on, “Might there be cheaper date options? Perhaps a walk along the lake; Lake Michigan is beautiful in early fall. Maybe cut out the dinner part and just spend some time alone together outside of the apartment.”

“Oh, I that thought never crossed my mind,” the husband responded.

The wife interjected, “Well he spends money every night without thinking about it; drinking with his buddies thinking this is how to get ahead at work. He only whips out his calculator and does the math for the one date we planned in the last three months. I guess I’m not worth it.”

The husband shot back, “But you agreed. You suggested we stay at home. Besides, what’s the point of blowing $200, to go out and endure sitting in silence waiting for the last course, so we leave and go home.”

Is It Possible To Save My Marriage?
Aah… At that moment I realized that this man is anxious around his wife. His doing-the-math was his way of calculating himself out of spending quality time alone with her. I verbalized my observation.

He said, “Yeah when I’m with my buddies I get to be myself. We have a few drinks, and we have fun. At home, there’s always issues, and chores, and keeping score, and something with the kids. It’s not fun at all.”

She’s sobbing now, “Oh my God; this relationship is never going to change. I’m sentenced to a marriage prison, devoid of passion. Sure, I’m safe and financially secure, but locked out of intimacy. I didn’t sign up for this.”

This is how a marriage that lacks a strong emotional connection looks. Around friends and family, they appear happy. When alone, the tension settles in. They avoid being alone together because they have nothing in common. Realizing this is a sharp blow. Seven years and two children into the marriage, the impact is significant.

The husband, sounding defeated responds, “I don’t want to waste a lot of time and money for nothing. If we work on this relationship and start finding ways to connect emotionally, and we dig up some shared interests, and it’s all great for a few weeks, then what? Isn’t it kind of forced and contrived? What’s going to make it stick? Like really, is it worth the effort?”

That concern is why many couples get stuck in their relationship. They are afraid of trying, scared of taking the next step because deep down they fear they or their partner will never change.

This couple’s marriage lacks compassion, emotion, and intimacy. They are stuck. They don’t have habits for building intimacy. They need to cultivate them. Habit building starts with actions. It requires work to develop the muscle for the new practices to feel natural and for those new habits to overshadow the negative ones they are replacing.

By making themselves a priority, thinking about activities and actions designed to develop compassion, and emotional intimacy, over time these habits and actions will become part of their marriage DNA. Hopefully, it will not feel like a chore. Then they are on the right track.

Relationships are organic; they are not static. Sometimes we forget that, and we neglect to do what it takes to make each other feel important and do the things that matter to keep a relationship working. So, like a dead car battery, we jump-start it. We recommit and get back in the action of keeping the spark alive in a relationship that is meaningful and worth having.

Filed Under: Marriage Help

How to be More Successful in Your Relationship

By Neil V 1 Comment

Over the course of time, whether it’s a month, a year or a decade, our relationship skills ebb and flow. If poor habits are left unattended, we tend to experience negative feelings and can begin to drift away from our partner. 

 

The Mental Model  

One way to prevent that from happening is to create a mental model for your marriage. This will make your relationship happy in the short run, but will also ensure enduring success, as you will love and feel loved by your partner over the long term. 

I first heard the term “mental model” from billionaire Warren Buffet. Buffet is one of the world’s most successful investors, yet he lives conservatively in Omaha, Nebraska. Of course everyone wants to know his secret for success. According to Buffet, his “secret” is simple: he has spent decades developing a mental model of what elements make a company successful, and he seeks out that information by research, observation, and asking the right questions. When he finds a business that meets the criteria of his mental model, he invests. Using this process over and over has made him a billionaire. 

I decided to apply Buffet’s ideas in therapy with my clients. I think that feeling good and building a strong long-term relationship is no different than making a successful investment. Why can’t you build a mental model for your marriage? 

The first step in building a mental model is to focus your energy on yourself and your partner. Tell yourself a story about your life as it occurs. You can focus on problems and negative issues and tell yourself a story about an unhappy life. Or, you can concentrate on the positive aspects of your relationship, focusing on the good qualities, and you can tell a story about a strong union that stands the test of time. 

 

Changing the Mental Model 

Let’s look at an example. Kristen comes home every night exhausted from her long work day. She fixes dinner, tucks the kids in bed then tidies up the house. Once she has finished her household duties, she settles down to relax and drinks two glasses of wine. The story that Kristen tells herself is that she needs the wine to help her unwind, and it makes her feel good. That is her reward for making it through a hard day. 

On the surface it seems reasonable. It’s only two glasses of wine, and she doesn’t drink them before she has handled all her responsibilities. But has she attended to everything? What about her husband? He is her primary relationship, and he doesn’t seem to figure in Kristen’s story at all. 

The flaw in Kristen’s story is that she believes wine is the quickest way to get to the “reward” of feeling relaxed. In reality, the wine makes her too tired to interact with her partner, and she ends up falling asleep early. She wants to feel important and be heard by her spouse, but she tells herself that she really only has time for him on the weekend, when she is not so tired. Her mental model is that she needs wine to get through the work week and on the weekends she can connect with her husband. She puts her primary partner on the back burner then wonders why they aren’t as close as before. Kristen doesn’t have an awareness of her own story. 

But what if Kristen changed her story? What if she said to herself, “When I get home tonight, I’m going to spend 20 minutes practicing yoga after I get the kids into bed. I know I’ll feel great.” Or what if she replaced yoga with a bubble bath, meditation, or intimate time with her husband? Making that one change in her story can bring her into a deeper level of presence, and ultimately create more gratification in the relationship. 

Now what if both Kristen and her husband change their mental models? What if they decide to take the time to focus on one another for fifteen minutes every night? They can talk, take a walk, wash the dishes or even make love. Their relationship is going to flourish despite any problems they encounter during the day. The more specific the story they create, the more they focus on the positive aspects of their relationship, the stronger the marriage will become. 

 

Key to Success 

Over time, they will develop mental model stories about their children, parenting, their own love story – virtually every aspect of their lives. They will develop a unique blueprint that works for them. 

The key is not to struggle with changing a habit. It is very hard to do that, and frequently causes more stress than positive outcomes. For instance, Kristen cannot change that she will be tired at the end of the work day, but she can change the story she tells herself about what will make her feel happy and relaxed. She can replace the idea of drinking wine with meditation, a bubble bath, or extra intimacy with her husband. She tells herself a specific story that includes positive personal action, and this enables her to change her behavior. 

The mental models we create and the stories we tell ourselves enable us to change our behaviors. Falling in love and staying in love are behavioral activities. Creating specific stories that include positive personal action provide the best chance of encouraging behaviors that foster happiness. 

 

Questions to Ponder 

Questions That Saved My Marriage

What is your current personal story? Are you focusing on the positive or negative aspects of your relationship? 

What are three positive actions you could include in a new personal story? 

If you have a habit you would like to change, like Kristen’s belief that wine was her best option, can you create a specific mental model that changes your current story? What new positive behavior will replace the current behavior? 

 

Filed Under: Marriage Help

This Way of Communicating Always Leads to Conflict in Your Marriage

By Neil V Leave a Comment

There is one guaranteed method of fighting or arguing with your spouse that will always lead to further conflict. Even if you are simply trying to show your partner how you feel, or ask for what you want, this method of speaking will never shut down the argument.

Do you know what it is?

It’s called “overgeneralization,” and it means that instead of being specific about the subject of a disagreement, one or both partners overgeneralize their feelings.

 

The Special Day

Take Tom and Sarah, for example. Sarah was preparing for a two-week business trip, so she and Tom planned to spend all day Sunday together. They’d been fighting and arguing a lot during the several previous months, so they both wanted a fun and peaceful day before Sarah’s trip.

Tom volunteered to plan everything, because he knew Sarah was occupied with packing. Sarah, the planner in their household, was a little concerned, but hoped that everything would be perfect. From past experience she knew that unless she prodded or forced Tom into action, usually nothing got done. To her surprise, Tom actually spent half a day planning their special time together. He asked for her input, but she said that what he had planned was fine. Tom sensed that she was not thrilled with his ideas, but decided that until she said something negative, he was going ahead with it.

Sunday began with a 7 a.m. bike ride along the lakefront, with a stop for breakfast on the return trip at one of their favorite places, only two blocks from home. Just two short miles into their twelve mile ride, there was a lane closure. A fatal accident had occurred during the night, and police had the area cordoned off. That was the first trigger. Sarah was frustrated, and mumbled something under her breath. Tom chose not to respond, because he knew the outcome would not be good.

They rode a bit further, but it was rough going, so they decided to turn back and head for breakfast instead. When they arrived at the restaurant, it was closed for a private event. The sign in the window directed the public to their website for more information.

That’s when the fight started. Frustrated, Sarah yelled that she was always disappointed when Tom was in charge. This wasn’t the first time that he’d let her down. He could never do anything right.

Then she continued complaining, saying that she felt alone. All her friends had moved to the suburbs and started their families, and she was all alone, with only him for company.

Of course Tom was angry by this time. He couldn’t believe that she could be so insulting to him when he’d tried really hard to make this day special. She didn’t show any gratitude for his efforts, only complained when things didn’t go as planned. Sarah always acted this way; that’s why he was usually reluctant to make an effort, because he could never please her.

 

Vague Versus Specific

As you read their story, did you spot the generalized comments? Sarah stated that she was alone and that she always ended up disappointed when Tom was in charge. Tom said that he can never please her, and that this same thing always happens.

When communicating only in generalized comments, we are unable to change the situation. Blame is always passed from one person to another, and the problem continues to escalate as more issues get added to the blame game. It is natural to become defensive in this scenario. The ultimate outcome of this type of interaction is that both Sarah and Tom have hurt feelings, and it’s likely that they will hardly talk to each other during Sarah’s trip, once again reinforcing their bad communication habits and creating feelings of hopelessness.

 

The Solution

What Can Save My Relationship

The solution to this problem is to introduce specific communication. Specific communication is when each partner addresses only the particular situation at hand, and how each feels about it.

Instead of saying that she’s disappointed whenever Tom is in charge, Sarah could have said, “I’m disappointed that you didn’t make sure the restaurant would be open for breakfast. I was looking forward to that.” Voicing her opinion about a specific event keeps the conversation focused, and gives Tom a chance to respond to that individual event. It’s almost a sure bet that if Sarah had communicated specifically instead of using generalities, Tom would have apologized and immediately suggested an alternative breakfast spot. They would have been able to work through the situation and solve the problem in the moment, instead of ruining their special day.

 

 

For Your Consideration

Generalizations are difficult to concentrate upon because they require us to look at several problems as though they are one. Most people are not effective at aggregating many issues into a single thought, and the natural reaction is to become overwhelmed and defensive. Defensiveness shuts down effective communication.

Specificity provides options. Options enable us to overcome hurt or defensive feelings. When we remain focused on the problem at hand, we can work together to make communication more effective.

Filed Under: Communication

My Parents Treat Me Like a Child and It’s Causing a Rift in My Marriage

By Neil V Leave a Comment

Did your parents read Love You Forever by Robert N. Munsch to you when you were young?  “I’ll love you forever. I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.” What a lovely sense of well-being that story of unconditional love has given to children since the mid-1980s, a mom loving her child despite his childish antics.

Well, you’re not a baby anymore, and you’re not nine or even seventeen. You could be 50 years old with kids who are young adults, but for most of us, when we are with our parents or siblings we are treated much the same as when we were children.

What Do I Say To Save My Marriage

Our family of origin, the family we grew up in, versus the family we create as an adult, is where we develop our sense of self. We learn how to process emotions and how to communicate.  It’s where our values and beliefs start to take shape. Regardless of whether you grew up in a safe environment with lots of love, or in one deprived of opportunity and security, whether you’re married, single or divorced, when you visit your parent’s home, or at a family gathering, the patterns of that period resurface and family members assume their old roles.  You automatically revert to being a child.

Jessica and Charles have a good marriage, except for one challenge.  Jessica’s relationship with her parents is strained. Her father has always been critical of her and her mom, a cold and rigid taskmaster. Jessica’s visits with her parents trigger arguments with Charles.  She takes out her frustration on Charles, finding fault with everything he does, blaming him for the way being with her parents makes her feel.

Holidays are especially stressful for Jessica and Charles, torn between his family of origin and hers.  Charles’ parents home is cozier and feels more relaxed. Their two children love both sets of grandparents but gravitate toward spending more time with Charles parents. Jessica’s siblings and parents accuse her of abandoning them, choosing her in-laws over them.  She resents Charles, blaming him for taking her away from her family even though subconsciously she would rather spend time with his family. Jessica is jealous of the relationship Charles has with his parents and wishes she had the same with her family.

Growing up, Jessica’s mother dominated the household. It was her way or the highway. Her dad didn’t have much say. He went along with his wife’s strict rules and took on the role of co-enforcer.  They spent holidays with her mother’s parents. That was it. Holidays were a busy time, always work and obligation. Jessica does not remember any cheer.

At the onset of her therapy with me, Jessica asked her mom about her experiences growing up. She was surprised to learn that her grandmother was loving and very lenient. Three of four daughters ended up getting pregnant and dropping out of high school.  One of the three was addicted to drugs. Jessica’s mother, the fourth and more wholesome daughter, decided the best gift she could ever give her children was to enforce some rules, so they would grow up to be successful in life.

After struggling for a long time to understand why her mother was cold toward her, Jessica now knows why her mom parented the way she did.  But, learning the story and understanding her mother’s motivation is not enough to change her feeling towards her mother. She has spent her entire life interacting with her parents in specific ways. The patterns are fixed. Only new experiences will facilitate a shift.  Jessica set out to do just this.

The Goal: Overcome Jessica’s anger toward her mother.

I am not advocating forgetting what has happened, but most of us depending on the situation can work towards some level of forgiveness.

The Plan: Visits and Phone Calls

  • Jessica planned two trips to visit her mother. The first was to observe how she interacted with her parents. The second was to alter how she interacted with them.

On the first trip, if her parents commented on her wearing the same blue pajamas three nights in a row, or criticized how she unloaded the dishwasher like they did when she was a child, she merely noted the comments and the reactions.

On the second trip, when her mother made the same kinds of comments she did not just observe. Jessica politely and loving told her mom why she did what she did, and that this is the way she is. Jessica stood up for herself and at the same time worked on making her parents see her differently. She did not do this from a position of anger or defensiveness.

  • Jessica called her mother at least twice a month, just to talk. Initially, she simply asked questions to get to know her mother better. Then she started asking her mother for parenting advice. Even though Jessica did not follow the guidance, the seeking of it opened up a soft spot in her mother’s cold persona. When her mother saw her role as an advice-offering grandmother, her relationship with Jessica shifted.

Family of origin struggles affect most families.  They can go deep and sometimes are too hurtful to mend. There are reasons why your parents treat you the way they do, good as well as bad. If you can understand, even though you may never forget the hurtful things they have done, then you have a chance of redefining your role in the relationship with them.  It is worthwhile mending these relationships.

Of course, you will always be your parent’s baby and your children will always be yours. Still, it’s possible for children to grow up and have adult relationships with their parents.

Filed Under: Relationships And Marriage

About to be Married and Seeing Red Flags

By Neil V Leave a Comment

Dear Neil Venketramen,

My name is Shaun. I’m 28 years old and engaged to Nicole, the girl of my dreams. Our wedding date is eight months from now. I’m having second thoughts.

Nicole likes to hang out with her co-workers after work a few times a week. She will stay out late without calling; sometimes she’ll text. On the weekends Nichol spends a lot of time alone, shopping, catching up on chores and chilling out with her friends. She’s a very independent woman, and I admire that, but I want to spend more time with her.  We live together, but we don’t spend much quality time together.

I’m worried about these red flags, and I am not sure what to do? Can you help me?  Thanks.

 

Hi Shaun,

I am glad you decided to write. Not many guys spot relationship challenges early in their relationship.

What Can I Do To Save My Marriage

It seems that what bothers you the most is not that she is independent, values her time alone or likes to go out with her friends. Spending time together is your red flag of most concern. You have what we call in my profession different attachment styles.

Whether couples are married or just starting out like you and Nicole, the ability to develop a healthy attachment with your partner is the foundation of a great relationship. Most married couples live for decades together supporting an unhealthy attachment style. Resentment builds and ultimately their marriages are in deep trouble. Then they attend therapy based on having poor communication, not realizing that their attachment styles are different. You and your fiancé are getting a head start on working through this issue before hostility sets in.

Aside from one’s independence, where the person is free from the control or influence of another, in any relationship, there are two kinds of dependency, where two people rely on each other, and they need to be in balance. When they are not, the power shifts to one of the partners. Think of an equal arms scale with the pans hanging below the beam. One is labeled dependence and the other interdependence. To balance the scale, you place weights in one pan to counter the load in the other pan. If one pan has more weight on it, the balance is off. Being off kilter might be what’s sending up your red flags.

When people or objects are interdependent, they are mutually reliant on each other. The flower feeds the honeybee enabling it to make honey, and the honeybee pollinates the flower. With couples, when one partner is sad or feels hurt, they rely on the other for emotional comfort and vice versa. You enjoy spending time with your partner together, and they feel the same way about you. You two make it a priority to spend quality time with each other.

Dependence, on the other hand, is more of an obligation or need to handle an aspect of the relationship.  A person who relies on another for financial support is dependent.  One may feel as though they need to spend all their time with their partner otherwise, they get anxious or feel abandoned. They are exhibiting dependency.

In your case, maybe you do not enjoy spending free time alone because you don’t know what to do with it.  You expect your fiancé to fulfill your need to be occupied and not feel anxious. Over time your partner may feel guilty that she does not satisfy your needs yet smothered by your neediness.

Still, dependence is not necessarily unhealthy in a relationship.  I am dependent on my wife to plan our meals together; she is dependent on me to manage the service and repairs of our cars.

There are many reasons why one becomes dependent on a partner. It can be like the example in my family where we are splitting up the household responsibilities. Maybe being dependent makes one feel loved in a relationship.

While you appear to be emotionally dependent and would prefer more time with your Nichol, it does not mean you have an unhealthy attachment to your partner. Your mission in your relationship is to balance the scale.

The first step is to talk to Nichol about your dependency and interdependency needs. What are both of your expectations for your relationship and attachment to each other? Identify the priorities for the week. How much time would you like to spend with her?

The second step is to broaden your circle of support, connecting more with your family or friends, and perhaps catch up on the hobbies that make you happy. It seems as though Nichol has found space for other interests that make her happy. You need to find your space for things that will make you happy.

Once you get to a point where you feel that the level of attachment is healthy for the relationship, and the juggling act between individual independence, dependence and interdependence is working for your relationship, you will start to feel good about your connection with your partner.

In conclusion, I must tell you how impressed I am. Most men that I encounter see asking for help and working on their needs in a relationship as a weakness. I see this as a sign of strength. You are taking charge of your happiness and developing the ability to master building your relationship from the start. Congratulations.

Sincerely,

Neil Venketramen

Filed Under: Marriage Help

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