Neil Venketramen

Financially Stretched between Parents and Family: A Marriage Unraveling

Requests for advice sometimes shows up in my email inbox. Here’s one:

Dear Neil,

I am a 46-year-old woman, married with three children. Both my parents are retired. My mother recently moved into a hospice care facility. Now I’m financially responsible for my mom’s care. I haven’t been able to cover both my share of our bills and manage my mom’s healthcare costs. My husband, Carlos is upset. We fight constantly. It’s not that he doesn’t like my parents. He does, but he says he says he did not sign up to support them. He’s threatening to leave me. My two siblings are not in a position to chip in. Any suggestions?

Thanks, Anna

Dear Anna,

You are caught in a bind. If you do not help your parents, you risk your mom losing out on the end of life treatment hospice provides. Her quality of life will suffer and so will your father’s. That will impact you and your relationship with your husband. Not meeting your share of the bills each month is already putting a strain on your marriage. Your situation is tough, but not impossible to overcome. I think you and Carlos are stuck in a routine about your finances. You each have expectations about spending. When those expectations aren’t met, you argue. You haven’t moved on to having productive conversations about your feelings around money issues. I suggest you work on that and have outlined some things for you to consider. Please take a look.

Do you really know what’s bugging your partner?

Is your husband telling you that he does not want you to support your family financially, or is he telling you that he doesn’t mind you helping your parents as long as you take care of your responsibilities to your family first? As long as you have not spoken about this and clearly understand his feelings, every time you decide to help your parents there is going to be resentment and hurt feelings. He will feel ignored and question your commitment to him and your children. Your resentment toward him will build as your mother’s heath continues to decline and he keeps objecting to your involvement. The two of your having a conversation to find out what feelings are at the source of Carlos’s objection is the starting point to figuring out how to address this situation.

What are your spending styles?

Do you and your husband have a household budget? Do you discuss how you spend money, especially taking care of the bills? If you do, great, that’s a good start, but there is more to it than having a balanced checkbook. Usually when couples argue about money what’s missing is insight into each other’s relationship to money. Is one partner a spender versus a saver? Does not saving for your future make you or your partner anxious? Conflict arises when money styles conflict, especially when partners are not clear that that’s what is causing the rift. Try taking ten or fifteen minutes a month to talk about your money habits. Each partner will feel heard in the relationship. Understanding and respect take root when partners get what makes the other tick.

The bigger picture of taking care of your parents

It sounds like Carlos has a decent relationship with your parents. It also seems as though the only solution thus far considered for caring for your parents is to give them money. People feel trapped when locked into single solutions to problems. It’s time for you two to talk about multiple solutions and other options including how Carlos and your siblings can bear some of the burden and decision-making responsibility of caring for your parents. You have been bearing the brunt of making all the important decisions about your mom and dad’s situation. It’s made you tense, anxious and possibly unapproachable. I even venture to guess that growing up you were the sibling everyone knew would take on the responsibility of caring for the parents. When your family starts working together, your husband will feel relieved knowing that the burden is not entirely on you. I bet Carlos will be receptive to supporting you. Are there other actions you could take to encourage his involvement? Working together to work through this situation can ultimately keep your marriage from unraveling.

Wishing you the best, Neil

Recipe for Disaster: Mix One Part Depression + One Part Anxiety in a Rocky Marriage

By Neil V 1 Comment

Battling depression for over a year, John’s mood and affect have progressively gotten worse. He has difficulty making decisions. At work he has a hard time concentrating. His productivity has decreased noticeably. By lunchtime, John can barely keep his eyes open.

Lucy is an event planner. A recent conference she organized for 300 out of town participants stressed her out so much she had a panic attack and ended up in the hospital strapped to a heart monitor.

John and Lucy are married with no children. Their marriage has been on the rocks since the onset of John’s depression. They are working on it, sort of. John needs time off to figure out if he wants to stay in his marriage. He’s rented a studio apartment and stays there at least five days a week. When he’s home with Lucy, he’s usually asleep on the couch.

Two days ago Lucy asked John to met with her over lunch. She demanded that John either decides to move back home and work on his marriage with her or their relationship is over. She’s frustrated. The living arrangement is unacceptable. Her feelings hurt, her heart hurts, and the tightness in her chest when he leaves after his visits frightens her. Lucy has had enough.

John’s reaction to her demand was lackluster. Withdrawing from Lucy’s line of questioning he told her ultimatums don’t work for him. She can’t pressure him into making a decision.

Lucy exploded. She wanted a decision and she wanted it immediately. They impulsively ended their relationship on the spot, angrily stomping off in opposite directions.

What you have just read is the impact of depression meeting anxiety causing a knockout. John is worried about the past. All thoughts about past interactions and behavior trigger his depression. He is stuck. He cannot make a move. Lucy is worried about her future. Without good enough answers her anxiety is triggered. The only way to reduce the worry about what may happen in the future is to get an immediate answer.

Depression and anxiety are like oil and water. They don’t mix well. When they meet, they end up pushing each other way. It causes more pain and hurt. If John and Lucy’s relationship is salvageable, they are going to need to find common ground to address their individual needs.

The marriage counselor steps in with a plan

Let’s back up to before the explosive breakup. Lucy wants John to make a decision and move back home to work on the relationship. He needs to make a decision whether he stays in the relationship or not. They are in therapy, looking for common ground.

They have agreed to experiment with alternating living arrangements. One week John lives at home with Lucy; the next week he stays in the studio apartment. They will do this for a month or two.

During the time the couple spends together they figure out what is working, how are they are communicating, and what they need to change or address. The week John and Lucy are in separate apartments, they will not meet but again, pay close attention to how they feel about the situation, considering what’s working and what’s not.

Over the period of a month or two of reflective introspection, focused dialogue, and experience alternating between living apart and together, they will have sufficient data to make a decision about whether to stay together or separate.

This approach provides Lucy with specific details and a plan to calm her anxiety and gives John the time and structure to work with Lucy to see what it would take for him to stay married. He’s not making an on the spot decision. The couple is communicating along the way.

In this case, the depression and anxiety are both heard in the relationship. The couple gets to work together as a team to find ways to figure out how they feel, how to be committed to one another, and whether they can change to save the marriage.

The key to salvaging a relationship in the face of competing disorders is to respect what you have and how you partner is coping, and find solutions that meet both your needs.

If you or your partner has a disorder how are you coping and what tools are you using to navigate some of these challenges? Is what I have outlined helpful?

How Anxiety Pushes Couples Further Apart

By Neil V Leave a Comment

Anxiety is a common but very complex disorder that can pose significant challenges within a relationship. Severe anxiety can affect not only a couple’s communication, but also the way they feel about one another.

Some tend to dismiss anxiety, viewing it as a form of manipulation by their spouse to get what they want. However, for the person who is experiencing anxiety, the thoughts and feelings are real, and can’t be ignored simply because it irritates their partner.

Case Study

Samantha has been diagnosed with a generalized anxiety disorder. Stressful situations with her husband

, Tom, trigger her anxiety. She feels tightness and pressure building up in her chest. Once she feels this intense sensation, it is impossible to stop. In order to relieve the pressure, Samantha tries to fix or solve the problem immediately.

Tom, on the other hand, is more of the silent type. He prefers to have a time out in order to consider the problem before discussing it. He likes to think a while then talk when he’s had time to form some opinions or come up with solutions. His style of dealing with their challenges simply increases Samantha’s level of anxiety.

Road Trip

Recently the couple decided to take a road trip to visit Samantha’s sister in Wisconsin. The journey was 240 miles, and the weather was unseasonably hot. After a few hours, Samantha was feeling a bit queasy and car sick. She remembered a small, clean rest stop from a previous trip and suggested to Tom that they could stop at the restaurant.

How Can I Save My Relationship From Falling Apart

Without taking his eyes from the road, Tom asked her to find the directions on her cell phone. Instead of being happy that Tom was willing to stop, Samantha became angry, because she perceived Tom’s response as insensitive. Didn’t he understand that she was feeling sick to her stomach, and that focusing on finding directions was probably going to make her vomit? “You don’t even care that I’m about to throw up! You can’t even be bothered to find the directions yourself!”

Tom rolled his eyes and sighed. He’d heard this type of accusation a thousand times before. “I don’t even know why we’re on this trip. You know I can’t stand your sister.”

Samantha couldn’t control her anxious outburst. She was compelled to accuse Tom of inconsiderate behavior. Tom was tired of hearing it, and was determined not to be manipulated by Samantha’s needs. Within moments the conversation was out of control. This type of situation happens within every relationship, but when one partner has anxiety, it is much more difficult to defuse the situation.

Once Tom mentioned his dislike of her sister, Samantha began to worry. Her thoughts moved with lightning speed from her car sickness to believing Tom was blaming her for making him go on the trip, wondering how he would behave when they got to their destination, and finally being certain that the weekend was ruined. Her demeanor rapidly transformed from worry and fear into anger. Was it too much to ask for a nice weekend on the lake with family? It’s not as though Tom ever went out of his way to plan a trip for them. She was doing her best, and he was just an ingrate. Samantha felt the familiar pressure in her chest, and she had to let it out by telling him exactly how she felt. From prior experience she knew it would not go well, but she powerless to stop.

An Alternate Ending

Trying to control anxiety in the moment is extremely difficult. However, there is one effective tool to help calm the anxiety – focus on the emotional needs of each participant in the conversation.

In the case of our road trip couple, the burden was on Samantha to quell her rising anxiety. As soon as she felt the familiar tightness in her chest, she could have begun focusing on addressing both her concerns and Tom’s. For example, instead of becoming offended and angry, she could have responded, “Tom, I know you are driving and need to concentrate on the road and keep us safe. But I have some motion sickness, and I really don’t feel well. I can’t search for the rest stop right now.”

Notice that Samantha addresses both her emotional needs and his. Tom wants help to search for the rest stop. If she finds the directions, that is helpful to him, and meets his emotional need. Instead of blurting out her feelings first, she slowed down and met Tom emotionally by showing that she understood his request, then explained her own situation and why she couldn’t help him in that moment. The tone and content of the conversation did not escalate Samantha’s anxiety, nor did it cause Tom to react with anger or defensiveness. He understood that she wanted to help him, but couldn’t.

This simple tool is very powerful when applied in the correct context, and can even defuse rising anxiety. Instead of blurting out needs or feelings, it addresses the needs of the other person, which makes them open to hearing the other side of the conversation. Communication with a partner who suffers from anxiety can be difficult, but knowing how to structure a conversation can be an ally in managing this complex disorder, and can help to improve the relationship.

I Cheated On My Wife and Now I Want Out

By Neil V Leave a Comment

It is common that a person who has cheated on their spouse may not be connected with their partner, and may feel that they want out of the relationship.

Frequently they feel guilty for the pain their partner has experienced, and don’t want their partner to suffer any more. They believe they will not be forgiven, and conclude that it’s best to remove themselves from the relationship. Sometimes there is a moment of clarity in which the person realizes that something was missing from the marriage, and that cheating, although it is wrong, makes them feel as though they are destined to be with someone else.

The situation becomes far more complex when the partner wants to make the marriage work, but the cheater is ambivalent and wants to leave.

The Situation

How To Save My Marriage After He Cheated

Nick is a mechanical engineer. He has been married to Nicole for three years, and they have a two-year-old child. While he was away on business, Nick cheated on his wife with a sales rep that he has known for some time. Feeling terrible, Nick confessed the affair to Nicole, who was devastated.

This couple is in a very difficult situation. Nick feels that what he’s done is unforgivable, and wishes the affair had never happened. His guilt and shame cause him to accept the full weight of Nicole’s grief as his responsibility. Nicole feels betrayed, and believes that Nick must make up for his indiscretion. She punishes him by reminding him several times a week about the damage he has done to their family.

Despite her anger, Nicole wants to work on rebuilding trust with her husband, so she tries to initiate intimacy. Nick does not feel emotionally connected, so he refuses her advances. Rejected again, Nicole imagines that she doesn’t measure up to the other woman.

What’s Really Going On?

In reality, Nick is desperate to reestablish intimacy with his wife, but he is not happy. He hasn’t been happy for a long time. From his point of view, it is his responsibility to please Nicole, but she doesn’t bear the same obligation toward him. He resists having sex with her, because he believes that would indicate his commitment to remain in the marriage, and he’s not sure that’s the right decision. Nick is torn; should he do everything he can to repair their relationship, or should he just release Nicole to find a different life partner? He knows he doesn’t want their marriage to continue on the same track. Nick wants them both to be happy; he refuses to continue pleasing her out of his own guilt and to continue being punished for his mistake.

Nick is willing to take the following actions:

Get Buy-in. It has been more than eight months since his indiscretion. Nick needs his wife to forgive him so he can make a decision about the marriage without feeling guilty and without being pressured to please her. She only has to commit to this for a short period of time.
No Options. Nick must choose a timeframe – 3-6 months – and be fully committed to working with Nicole to rebuild trust and intimacy. He has to stop thinking of leaving as a viable option.
Real Life Experience. Instead of endlessly talking, Nick and Nicole must begin creating real experiences together. They must demonstrate love and caring for one another so they can reestablish the emotional connection. Only when they have done this can they rebuild intimacy.
Decision. After creating an emotional bond and reestablishing intimacy, Nick can make an informed decision about whether or not he wants to remain married to Nicole.

All of this is a huge risk for Nicole. Not only does she have to accept and forgive the betrayal, but she has to move forward on the assumption that at the end of the trial period, Nick will be committed to the marriage for the long haul. She also has to change her behavior, and cease punishing Nick. It will be difficult, but they both realize that this is the course of action that needs to be taken in order for their marriage to have a chance of survival.

Life Cycle Transitions: Periods of Vulnerability in a Marriage

By neilvenketramen Leave a Comment

“Change is the only constant in life.” An ancient Greek philosopher said that, and we still hold it as one of the facts of life. Things inevitably change, and relationships get shaken up.

There are three periods of change, life cycle transitions, in a marriage where a couple is at a heightened risk of divorcing. The first is 18 months after the couple has had their first child. The second, when the kids leave home in pursuit of independent lives, and the third is when couples retire and try to spend their golden years together.

Life cycle transitions are challenging for couples. The reality of having a needy baby to care for, or of living in the quiet of the empty nest with a refrigerator still stocked for feeding teenagers, or of the ever present retired spouse with a void to fill cause significant shifts in a couple’s relationship. The household dynamic is different. Former routines no longer suit the new situation.

And baby makes three

Ron and Sarah’s first born is 18-months old and since her birth has been their only focus. They’ve established a routine where they share the chores and baby responsibilities. Except for work they are together all the time with the baby.

Pre-baby days, Ron would spend time after work with his workmates a couple of evenings a week. Thursday was Sarah’s girls’ night out. As a couple, they connected over regularly scheduled dates and an occasional weekend away. Their lives had structure and balance. Now, with no alone time and no connection time, the “all baby all the time” routine is challenging their relationship.

Sarah and Ron are having an especially difficult time because they had never talked about how they were going to handle their relationship or expectations from each other. They just let things happen. Sarah is more of a homebody, content to be at home. Ron is an extrovert who feels stifled not being around others. They have been arguing and have little experience communicating effectively.

In haste and out of sheer frustration recently Ron lamented, “I wish we had waited longer to have a kid.” He immediately regretted saying that. Sarah is angry about his words and remorseful about getting married too quickly without considering their expectations.

The couple is struggling to adapt. All the love, attention, and energy in the household have been channeled toward the new baby. They stopped addressing their individual needs and needs as a couple. What connection they have, fragile and without communication fluency, is tenuous, leaving them unable to communicate about how to treat one another and define expectations for their marriage going forward as a family. They are at a vulnerable place.

All’s quiet in the empty nest

Tracy and Michael’s twins recently went off to college. Throughout the children’s formative years, Tracy and Michael’s life centered on their kid’s activities. Now the family dynamic has changed. Suddenly the energy level has been sucked out of their home, like the air out of a deflated balloon.

An eerie quietness has settled in around the house. Michael has thrown himself into his work and stays at the office later into the evening. Tracy catches herself grocery shopping for four and preparing enough dinner for a full house. She misses the children and calls them repeatedly throughout the day.

Without the kids around Tracy and Michael don’t know what to talk about. When they do, they have the same conversations over and over again. Small talk they call it. They don’t know how to relate to one another in a way that makes them feel intimate and connected. They are drifting in separate directions, Tim off to the golf course and Tracy to the mall or weekends away from home. Their relationship at this point is vulnerable.

Managing Life Cycle Transitions

There have been significant changes in the family dynamic of these couples. Couples are at greatest risk of losing their intimate connection with one another at times of life cycle change.

One way to deal with this is to recognize what is going on and plan at least one activity a week together as a couple. The act of building a habit for connection keeps a couple together in the midst of the family evolving.

As you transition from one stage of life to another, you are not the same people you were at the previous point in your relationship. You have changed, evolved and grown and have different needs. If you can let go of the old expectation and rebuild new ways of connecting and falling in love again, then you have a good chance of reconstructing a marriage that lasts. Remember, change is a constant in life. Embrace it if you can.